Friday, 10 May 2013

Am I being sexually harassed?

Ever since I turned 50, I find my rate of self-induced vomiting has risen astronomically. Why?
This article in Science Daily provides a clue-
'Men who experience high levels of sexual harassment are much more likely than women to induce vomiting and take laxatives and diuretics in an attempt to control their weight, according to a surprising finding by Michigan State University researchers.'

In addition to self-induced vomiting, I find I'm eating a lot more vindaloo (notoriously laxative) and taking black coffee (a diuretic) in the morning. What's more, all this is happening in the context of my Doctor, a neat little blonde, telling me I have to lose ten kilos.

Clearly I'm being sexually harassed at the pubs and Tandoori restaurants where I continue a staggered celebration of my half centennial in company with such of my co-evals as are not dead or, in marginal cases, still contactable through Facebook.

The strange thing is I've always suspected that I was being subjected to sexual harassment- especially by big ass Nigerian women whose buttocks constantly stare at me in the street. However, big ass Nigerian women don't frequent the sorts of pubs and curry houses I've been patronizing lately. So- as my Cockney friends are wont to say- what is occurring? My guess is that all them callipygian draughts of piping hot chocolate lurk outside the mini-cab office at which my friends deposit me, blind drunk, for my journey home- at which time they have a window of opportunity to sexually harass the hell out of me with none the wiser.

It's a comforting thought for me, next time I have to tickle my throat before passing out on the bathroom floor so as to avoid choking on my own vomit during the night, that this distasteful proceeding is occasioned not by my own intemperance but the raging libidos of them big ass Nigerian women whose buttocks just won't quit staring at me suggestively and like undressing me with their eyes and...okay, putting a paper bag over my head and maybe a big cardboard box over my pot belly and like photoshopping stuff over my junk and... well you get the picture.

Anyway, I'm not saying this to 'name and shame' big ass Nigerian women.
Clearly, it's all David Cameron's fault.
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
That boy aint right.

Madam, your butt is sexually harassing me but don't worry it's all David Cameron's fault.

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