Showing posts with label Salman Rushdie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Salman Rushdie. Show all posts

Friday, 24 April 2026

Rushdie in the belly of the Donald

The story of Jonah is well known to Muslims. Indeed, there is a sahih hadith which equates Jonah & the Prophet as being at the same high level of sanctity. 

Remarkably, there is at least one Muslim who pretends not to know this. 

45 years ago, Salman Rushdie wrote the following essay, titled 'outside the whale' for Granta 

Anyone who has switched on the television set, been to the cinema or entered a bookshop in the last few months will be aware that the British Raj, after three and half decades in retirement, has been making a sort of comeback.

It had never gone away. There had been Television adaptations of Forster's 'Passage' as well as re-runs of the Kordas' films starring Sabu- the elephant boy- not to mention 'Carry on up the Khyber' & 'It aint half hot Mum'. Hollywood's 'Gunga Din' & 'Kim' too were well received. My favourite was 'Nine hours to Rama' with Robert Morley in black-face playing a Congress Minister.  However, Rumer Godden's 'River' & 'Black Narcissus' had their movements. John Masters' 'Bhowani Junction' was a favourite with my parents. 

After the big-budget fantasy double-bill of Gandhi and Octopussy,

Attenborough's Gandhi was supported by the Indian Government. Octopussy had Vijay Amrithraj but was deeply silly.  

we have had the blackface minstrel-show of The Far Pavilions in its TV

which made a loss. Still, M.M Kaye's books had sold very well in the Seventies. It must be said, the paucity of brown actors in the UK had previously been a constraint. VS Naipaul's 'House for Mr. Biswas' was very nearly turned into a musical. Its theme song was repurposed for Dr. No. 

serial incarnation, and immediately afterwards the grotesquely overpraised Jewel in the Crown.

It made Art Malik a star.  

I should also include the alleged ‘documentary’ about Subhas Chandra Bose, Granada Television’s War of the Springing Tiger, which, in the finest traditions of journalistic impartiality, described India’s second-most-revered Independence leader as a ‘clown’.

The Communist Chief Minister of West Bengal, Jyoti Basu, asked Indira to stop its release though Bose's nephew- Sisir- had contributed to it.  

And lest we begin to console ourselves that the painful experiences are coming to an end, we are reminded that David Lean’s film of A Passage to India is in the offing.

Victor Bannerjee's finest performance.  

I remember seeing an interview with Mr Lean

David Lean. He cast IS Johar in 'Lawrence' 

in The Times, in which he explained his reasons for wishing to make a film of Forster’s novel. ‘I haven’t seen Dickie Attenborough’s Gandhi yet,’ he said, ‘but as far as I’m aware, nobody has yet succeeded in putting India on the screen.’

Fair point. There had been no Indian 'Lawrence'. Did Lean succeed? Well enough.  

The Indian film industry, from Satyajit Ray to Mr N. T. Rama Rao, will no doubt feel suitably humbled by the great man’s opinion.

No. They laughed heartily at the director of 'Ryan's daughter'. Still, 'Lawrence' is immortal.  

These are dark days. Having expressed my reservations about the Gandhi film elsewhere, I have no wish to renew my quarrel with Mahatma Dickie.

Coz Dickie would always win. He had placed Outram in Ray's 'Shatranj' & secured Indira's backing. 

As for Octopussy, one can only say that its portrait of modern India was as grittily and uncompromisingly realistic as its depiction of the skill, integrity and sophistication of the British secret services.

One can only say stupid shite if one has nothing else to say.  

In defence of the Mahattenborough, he did allow a few Indians to be played by Indians. (One is becoming grateful for the smallest of mercies.)

One isn't becoming a prat. One was always that.  

Those responsible for transferring The Far Pavilions to the screen would have no truck with such tomfoolery. True, Indian actors were allowed to play the villains (Saeed Jaffrey, who has turned the Raj revival into a personal cottage industry, with parts in Gandhi and The Jewel in the Crown as well, did his hissing and hand-rubbing party piece; and Sneh Gupta

who was the hostess on 'Sale of the Century'. Asians disliked her because they considered her too dark.  

played the selfish princess, but unluckily for her, her entire part consisted of the interminably repeated line, ‘Ram Ram’).

To be fair, she wasn't a RADA graduate. She was from Kenya & pretty damn enterprising. I believe she returned to India to work with handicapped kids.  

Meanwhile, the good-guy roles were firmly commandeered by Ben Cross, Christopher Lee, Omar Sharif, and, most memorably, Amy Irving as the good princess, whose make-up person obviously believed that Indian princesses dip their eyes in black ink and get sun-tans on their lips.

It sounds as though Rushdie actually watched that dreck. No one else did. By then every Indian family in the UK had a VCR.

Now of course The Far Pavilions is the purest bilge. The great processing machines of TV-soap opera have taken the somewhat more fibrous garbage of the M. M. Kaye book and pureed it into easy-swallow, no-chewing-necessary drivel.

Like 'Midnight's children'. Dominique Lapierre & Larry Collins had made the Indian Freedom Struggle sexy with 'Midnight's children'. Rushdie- though part of the the Cambridge school of Indian historiography- cashed in with his mindless Marquez/Gunther Grass pastiche of post-Independence history.  

Thus, the two central characters, both supposedly raised as Indians, have been lobotomized to the point of being incapable of pronouncing their own names. The man calls himself ‘A Shock’, and the woman ‘An Jooly’.

That isn't why it bombed. 

Around and about them there is branding of human flesh and snakery and widow-burning by the natives.

Vivian Derozio, one of the first Indians to write in English, has a heroine rescued from a widow-burning. But the first play in English by an Indian dealt wiith a Princess of Udaipur who was forced to commit suicide because a war had been triggered between Princes competing for her hand. India wasn't as boring as shit back then.  Sadly, there were no takers for the Indian 'vetala' (vampire) though Hammer Horror did serve up an Indianized 'Ghoul' in 1975. 

There are Pathans who cannot speak Pushto.

Plenty of Pathans speak Zari or Hindko rather than Pushto.  

And, to avoid offending the Christian market, we are asked to believe that the child ‘A Shock’, while being raised by Hindus and Muslims, somehow knew that neither ‘way’ was for him, and instinctively, when he wished to raise his voice in prayer, ‘prayed to the mountains’.

Hindus can pray to the mountain- more particularly if it is Kailash, Govardhana, Arunachala etc. 

It would be easy to conclude that such material could not possibly be taken seriously by anyone,

like 'Midnight's children' 

and that it is therefore unnecessary to get worked up about it. Should we not simply rise above the twaddle, switch off our sets and not care?

No. We turn on the VCR & watch either Kung Fu or Porn or Porn Kung Fu.  

I should be happier about this, the quietist option – and I shall have more to say about quietism later on – if I did not believe that it matters, it always matters, to name rubbish as rubbish; that to do otherwise is to legitimize it. I should also mind less were it not for the fact that The Far Pavilions, book as well as TV serial, is only the latest in a very long line of fake portraits inflicted by the West on the East.

It didn't make a profit. What it inflicted was a loss on its producers. But the same thing happened with 'Zulu Dawn'.  

The creation of a false Orient of cruel-lipped princes and dusky slim-hipped maidens,

sadly, our maidens tend to be as fat as fuck 

of ungodliness, fire and the sword, has been brilliantly described by Edward Said in his classic study Orientalism, in which he makes clear that the purpose of such false portraits was to provide moral, cultural and artistic justification for imperialism

Fuck off! Imperialism is only cool if it makes a profit or yields a strategic advantage.

and for its underpinning ideology, that of the racial superiority of the Caucasian over the Asiatic.

Nobody complained about 'Temple of Doom'. Why? It wasn't boring shite.  

Let me add only that stereotypes are easier to shrug off if yours is not the culture being stereotyped;

by you.  

or, at the very least, if your culture has the power to counterpunch against the stereotype.

In the case of India, that happened long ago. Rushdie chose to settle in the UK. If he didn't like the culture, he could have returned to Pakistan. 

If the TV screens of the West were regularly filled by equally hyped, big-budget productions depicting the realities of India,

Louis Malle did produce some such shite in the early 1970s. The Indians protested bitterly. But, back in the Fifties, Nehru had brought in Pasolini to direct 'Matrbhumi'. The Paks brought in Walter Lassally for a more Leftist film scripted by Faiz.  

one could stomach the odd M. M. Kaye. When praying to the mountains is the norm, the stomach begins to heave.

Salman's Muslim stomach begins to heave when he hears about what kaffirs get up to.  

Paul Scott was M. M. Kaye’s agent, and it has always seemed to me a damning indictment of his literary judgement that he believed The Far Pavilions to be a good book.

It sold 15 million copies. That's all that matters.  

Even stranger is the fact that The Raj Quartet and the Kaye novel are founded on identical strategies of what, to be polite, one must call borrowing.

Nope. They are based on writing stuff ordinary people find engaging. Kaye & Scott weren't rich & hadn't been to Oxbridge. They provided for themselves & their families by working hard & producing middle-brow literature of (in my opinion) an 'improving' or humanistic type.  

In both cases, the central plot-motifs are lifted from earlier and much finer novels. In The Far Pavilions, the hero Ash (‘A Shock’) – raised an Indian, discovered to be a sahib, and ever afterwards torn between his two selves – will be instantly recognizable as the cardboard cut-out version of Kipling’s Kim.

Or Tagore's 'Gora'.  

And the rape of Daphne Manners in the Bibighar Gardens derives just as plainly from Forster’s Passage to India.

No it doesn't.  Adela wasn't raped. Daphne was- by Indians who beat up her lover. Shit like that goes down all the time. That's why you need to get a fucking hotel room if you want to get intimate with your girlfriend. Oddly, this is not the case if she happens to be a goat. 

But because Kaye and Scott are vastly inferior to the writers they follow,

Everybody is inferior to Rudyard fucking Kipling. Also Shakespeare. Even my own 'Omelette- Denmark's Humpty Dumpty Prince' has not displaced 'Hamlet' on the English stage. 

they turn what they touch to pure lead. Where Forster’s scene in the Marabar caves retains its ambiguity and mystery, Scott gives us not one rape but a gang assault, and one perpetrated, what is more, by peasants. Smelly persons of the worst sort.

Coz that's what actually happens in India. Peasants are horny buggers.  

So class as well as sex is violated; Daphne gets the works. It is useless, I’m sure, to suggest that if a rape must be used as the metaphor of the Indo-British connection, then surely, in the interests of accuracy, it should be the rape of an Indian woman by one or more Englishmen of whatever class…not even Forster dared to write about such a crime.

It wouldn't have been a crime. The victim was clearly a prostitute- or had become so- unless she wasn't & her family decided to keep quiet about it. Obviously, the true irony here is that hardly any Whites were killed or molested in the Forties. Millions of Indians were killed or raped during that period by darkies like themselves.  

So much more evocative to conjure up white society’s fear of the darkie, of big brown cocks.

Small brown cocks. African heritage men are believed to be better endowed. That's why Tamils like me would shave our heads in the hope of being mistaken for the possessor of a giant dong. Sadly, nobody was taken in- probably because of my Peter Sellers' accent. 

You will say I am being unfair; Scott is a writer of a different calibre from M. M. Kaye.

Because he has a dick.  

What’s more, very few of the British characters come at all well out of the Quartet – Barbie, Sarah, Daphne, none of the men. (Kaye, reviewing the TV adaptation, found it excessively rude about the British.)

Kaye was right. She belonged to the older, Rumer Godden, generation. Indians were happy she made a lot of money by showing filial piety to her own ancestors.  

In point of fact, I am not sure that Scott is so much finer an artist. Like Kaye, he has an instinct for the cliche. Sadistic, bottom-flogging policeman Merrick turns out to be (surprise!) a closet homosexual. His grammar-school origins give him (what else?) a chip on the shoulder.

It must be said, the actor playing Merrick was very good.  

And all around him is a galaxy of chinless wonders, regimental grandes dames, lushes, empty-headed blondes, silly-asses, plucky young things, good sorts, bad eggs and Russian counts with eyepatches. The overall effect is rather like a literary version of Mulligatawny

mollaga-thanee- chili water 

soup.

Which is Tamil & a variety of 'rasam'. It was changed by the Brits, by thickening it with flour, adding butter, and other ingredients to suit their own taste.

It tries to taste Indian,

It isn't 'Indian'. It is 'Anglo-Indian'. Similarly 'Gobi Manchurian' isn't Chinese. It is Indian Chinese. 

but ends up being ultra-parochially British, only with too much pepper.

The novels hadn't done very well but the TV series was a hit. No one grudged Scott his success though his jaundiced view of the final days of the Raj was somewhat unfair. Still, Wavell himself was uncomfortable with things he was obliged to do in 1942. That is why he was determined to put an end to the Raj. 

And yes, Scott is harsh in his portraits of many British characters; but I want to try and make a rather more difficult point, a point about form.

Rushdie could never see what actual point was being made even when he was making it himself. 

The Quartet’s form tells us, in effect, that the history of the end of the Raj was largely composed of the doings of the officer class and its wife.

No. It tells us that the Brits had granted Provincial Autonomy in 1935. If, in 1937, the Indians could cobble together a Federal Government, the country would be de facto an independent Dominion.  Sadly, the Indians couldn't get their act together and so a bunch of Brits were left in limbo for a decade. What Westminster hadn't bargained on was that so much British blood & treasure would be expended on keeping Gandhi safe from the Japs. Since Burma had been separated in 1937, Indian troops in Burma were being paid for by the British taxpayer (albeit, India was lending it the money, thus building up a 'sterling balance'). 

Indians get walk-ons, but remain, for the most part, bit-players in their own history.

Nope. They had formed Governments in the Provinces. Then Congress resigned office and so a handful of Brits had to maintain a zombie regime.  

Once this form has been set, it scarcely matters that individual, fictional Brits get unsympathetic treatment from their author.

This is a zombie regime. The Brits would rather have been back home repairing the damage of the Blitz, or fighting Hitler in Normandy.  

The form insists that they are the ones whose stories matter, and that is so much less than the whole truth that it must be called a falsehood.

Their stories matter to themselves & their kids or other relatives. Brits can't help being British. 

It will not do to argue that Scott was attempting only to portray the British in India, and that such was the nature of imperialist society that the Indians would only have had bit parts.

Why not? Scott had been a private soldier in India. He wasn't an expert in Urdu literature & Islamic law. He couldn't do very much in the way of depicting Indians for the same reason that I can't do very much by way of representing Nineteenth Century Geordie lesbians.  

It is no defence to say that a work adopts, in its structure, the very ethic which, in its content and tone, it pretends to dislike.

But no such defence was offered because nobody was stupid enough to charge a work by a British writer with not being that of an Indian.  

It is, in fact, the case for the prosecution.

Only if Brits can be sent to jail for not being Indian.  

I cannot end this brief account of the Raj revival without returning to David Lean, a film director whose mere interviews merit reviews.

Nonsense! The guy was over 70. He had made at least 4 great films. He deserved his comeback.  

I have already quoted his masterpiece in The Times; here now are three passages from his conversation with Derek Malcolm in the Guardian of 23 January 1984: 

He was turning 76. Everyone agreed he was a great director. No one thought he was a Professor of Film Studies or Cultural History.  

'Forster was a bit anti-English,

He was a Pacifist during the first World War. It would be fair to say he was anti-Imperialist & a great friend to Indian & Indians.  

anti-Raj and so on. I suppose it’s a tricky thing to say, but I’m not so much.

Good for you. Your 1942 film 'In which we serve' raised morale. Don't apologize for fighting Hitler & Tojo. They were evil bastards.  

I intend to keep the balance more. I don’t believe all the English were a lot of idiots. Forster rather made them so. He came down hard against them. I’ve cut out that bit at the trial where they try to take over the court. Richard [Goodwin, the producer] wanted me to leave it in. But I said no, it just wasn’t right. They wouldn’t have done that.

Lean is absolutely right. Forster over-egged the cake. Back then, most educated Indians knew a lot about the law. To be fair, there were other anachronistic elements in the novel. I suppose, his point was that Ronnie was a dim bulb. He mismanaged the whole thing. 

As for Aziz, there’s a hell of a lot of Indian in him.

Aligarh Muslim schoolboy of a previous generation. He incarnates Akbar Illahabadi's couplet 'Payt masroof hai klerki mein/ Dil hai Iran or Turki mein ('tis but the belly makes necessary the clerk's white collar/ Our heart never forsakes Janissary & Ayatollah!)

They’re marvellous people but maddening sometimes, you know…. He’s a goose. But he’s warm and you like him awfully. I don’t mean that in a derogatory way – things just happen to him. He can’t help it. And Miss Quested…well, she’s a bit of a prig and a bore in the book, you know. I’ve changed her, made her more sympathetic. Forster wasn’t always very good with women.

All this is perfectly fair. 

One other thing. I’ve got rid of that ‘Not yet, not yet’ bit. You know, when the Quit India

Non-Cooperation movement. Quit India was 20 years later 

stuff comes up, and we have the passage about driving us into the sea? Forster experts have always said it was important, but the Fielding-Aziz friendship was not sustained by those sorts of things. At least I don’t think so. The book came out at the time of the trial of General Dyer

there was no trial 

and had a tremendous success in America for that reason.

Because 'miscegenation' was big there. It was uncontroversial in India. One of the best books about Indian Shia Islam was written by an English woman who married a Shia intellectual back in the early Nineteenth century.  (Mrs Meer Hassan Ali (born Biddy Timms) was an Englishwoman who married an Indian Shia Muslim, Meer Hassan Ali, in the early nineteenth century and authored the well-regarded book, Observations on the Mussulmauns of India (1832)).

But I thought that bit rather tacked on. Anyway, I see it as a personal not a political story.

Perfectly fair. Forster was expounding G.E Moore's ethical philosophy. He comes to the conclusion that this can be implemented in England by English people- not India even if English peeps there have some Indian chums.  

Forster’s lifelong refusal to permit his novel to be filmed begins to look rather sensible.

He refused permission for all his novels. They weren't cinematic in the manner cinema was conceived in his heyday.  

But once a revisionist enterprise gets under way, the mere wishes of a dead novelist provide no obstacle.

Merchant/Ivory/Jhabwallah made great versions of Forster & even Henry fucking James.  

And there can be little doubt that in Britain today the refurbishment of the Empire’s tarnished image is underway.

There can be no doubt whatsoever that nobody gave a flying fart.  

The continuing decline, the growing poverty and the meanness of spirit of much of Thatcherite Britain

VS Naipaul liked her. Graham Greene didn't. We are on Naipaul's side.  

encourages many Britons to turn their eyes nostalgically to the lost hour of their precedence.

Trafalgar? That was cool. The problem with the Raj was that it was as boring as fuck. Even Piers Brosnan couldn't save Merchant Ivory's 'Deceivers' (based on John Masters's novel) from bombing at the box office.  

The recrudescence of imperialist ideology and the popularity of Raj fictions put one in mind of the phantom twitchings of an amputated limb.

Carry on up the Khyber came out in 1968. That pretty much killed off the Raj as a topos for adventure films in the style of Korda's 'the drum' (1938).  

Britain is in danger of entering a condition of cultural psychosis, in which it begins once again to strut and posture like a great power while in fact its power diminishes every year.

Very true. Thatcher might invade the Punjab.  

The jewel in the crown is made, these days, of paste.

The Kohinoor wasn't. It emerged from an Afghan's anus. That is why British Crown still is famous.  

Anthony Barnett has cogently argued, in his television-essay ‘Let’s Take the “Great” out of Britain’, that the idea of a great Britain (originally just a collective term for the countries of the British Isles, but repeatedly used to bolster the myth of national grandeur) has bedevilled the actions of all post-war governments.

Fuck off! Atlee wasted no time getting out of India. After that, grandeur was off the table. The Brits would only engage militarily if there was an overriding economic or geo-strategic motive- Iranian oil, Malaysian rubber, the Suez canal, the Cyprus base etc.  

But it was Margaret Thatcher who, in the euphoria of the Falklands victory, most plainly nailed her colours to the old colonial mast, claiming that the success in the South Atlantic proved that the British were still the people ‘who had ruled a quarter of the world.’

Sadly, too many of those it had ruled had decided to move to Britain because its leaders were less shite.  

Shortly afterwards she called for a return to Victorian values, thus demonstrating that she had embarked upon a heroic battle against the linear passage of Time.

Sadly, she saved Rushdie from the Ayatollah's assassins. Fuck you Thatcher! Fuck you very much! 

I am trying to say something which is not easily heard above the clamour of praise for the present spate of British-Indian fictions:

there was praise for Rushdie's shite. It was misplaced.  

that works of art, even works of entertainment, do not come into being in a social and political vacuum;

Rushdie's did. He was against Indira. But Indira was voted back. He wasn't flattering about Benazir- but she was able to carry on her father's legacy. Oddly, it was Im the dim- who was five years younger than Rushdie- who alone is 'outside the whale'- i.e. engaged on something real albeit incarcerated under harsh conditions. 

and that the way they operate in a society cannot be separated from politics, from history.

This was the Ayatollah's point. Rushdie was a Brit engaging in propaganda against the great people of Iran.  

For every text, a context; and the rise of Raj revisionism, exemplified by the huge success of these fictions,

Not that huge. Jilly Cooper & Jeffery Archer were big. But Douglas Adams was the only one whose books I can still recall.  

is the artistic counterpart to the rise of conservative ideologies in modern Britain. And no matter how innocently the writers and filmmakers work, no matter how skilfully the actors act (and nobody would deny the brilliance of, for example, the performances of Susan Wooldridge as Daphne and Peggy Ashcroft as Barbie in the TV Jewel), they run the grave risk of helping to shore up that conservatism, by offering it the fictional glamour which its reality so grievously lacks.

If you aren't a shithead of the Rushdie type then you run the grave risk of not being a shithead.  

The title of this essay derives, obviously, from that of an earlier piece (1940) by the year’s other literary phenomenon,

(this was published in 1984) 

Mr Orwell. And as I’m going to dispute its assertions about the relationship between politics and literature, I must of necessity begin by offering a summary of that essay, ‘Inside the Whale’.

Rushdie was too stupid to understand the Biblical reference to Jonah. God wants him to tell the people of Nineveh that God will destroy the City. Jonah runs away but gets swallowed by a Whale. He repents & returns & prophesies doom but God doesn't destroy Nineveh. Jonah feels ill used- just like the Commie who prophesies doom to Capitalism but lives on to watch it flourish as never before. 

Rushdie- who was a bit of a Jungian- thought the whale might be a symbol for the womb. What people really want to do is to climb back up their Mummy's vagina so as to sleep peacefully. Rusdhie suggests that a better option would be to scream loudly & shit yourself incessantly. 

It opens with a largely admiring analysis of the writing of Henry Miller:

Coz sex is better than Socialism. 

On the face of it, no material could be less promising. When Tropic of Cancer was published the Italians were marching into Abyssinia and Hitler’s concentration camps were already bulging….

Fuck should an American care if the Old World did stupid Old World shite?  

It did not seem to be a moment at which a novel of outstanding value was likely to be written about American dead-beats cadging drinks in the Latin Quarter.

No such novel was written. Still, it is true that sex is nice.  

Of course a novelist is not obliged to write directly about contemporary history, but a novelist who simply disregards the major public events of the day is generally either a footler or a plain idiot.

In the opinion of a fucking cretin.  

From a mere account of the subject matter of Tropic of Cancer, most people would probably assume it to be no more than a bit of naughty-naughty left over from the twenties. Actually, nearly everyone who read it saw at once that it was…a very remarkable book. How or why remarkable?

Coz sex is nice.  

His attempt to answer that question takes Orwell down more and more tortuous roads.

Because he doesn't get that what happens inside the belly of the whale is Repentance not Quietism or having a crafty wank.  

He ascribes to Miller the gift of opening up a new world ‘not by revealing what is strange, but by revealing what is familiar.’

Like the fact that sex is really really nice. If you are getting plenty of nookie, you can't get too worked up about the Spanish Civil War.  

He praises him for using English ‘as a spoken language, but spoken without fear, i.e. without fear of rhetoric or of the unusual or poetic word. It is a flowing, swelling prose, a prose with rhythms in it.’ And most crucially he likens Miller to Whitman, ‘for what he is saying, after all, is “I accept”.’

Fucking is nice. Saying 'boo to Capitalism' is a waste of fucking time.  

Around here things begin to get a little bizarre. Orwell quite fairly points out that to say ‘I accept’ to life in the thirties ‘is to say that you accept concentration camps, rubber truncheons, Hitler, Stalin, bombs, aeroplanes, tinned food, machine guns, putsches, purges, slogans, Bedaux belts, gas masks, submarines, spies, provocateurs, press censorship, secret prisons, aspirins, Hollywood films and political murders.’ (No, I don’t know what a Bedaux belt is, either.)

It is a speeded up Assembly line. Orwell didn't understand that nobody says 'I accept' to life though they may say 'pardon' when they fart. On the other hand, if you say 'you farted', you are accepting responsibility for sucking the cock of every hobo in thirteenth Century China. 

My point is you don't have to go to Rugby or Eton to say stupid shit- but it does help..  

But in the very next paragraph he tells us that ‘precisely because, in one sense, he is passive to experience, Miller is able to get nearer to the ordinary man than is possible to more purposive writers.

Put sex into your books if you want proles to read them.  

For the ordinary man is also passive.’ Characterizing the ordinary man as a victim, he then claims that only the Miller type of victim-books, ‘non-political…non-ethical…non-literary…non-contemporary,’ can speak with the people’s voice. So to accept concentration camps and Bedaux belts turns out to be pretty worthwhile, after all.

A lot of Indians assumed Orwell was some sort of agent provocateur or secret policeman because he wrote utter nonsense. 

There follows an attack on literary fashion. Orwell, a thirty-seven-year-old patriarch, tells us that ‘when one says that a writer is fashionable one practically always means that he is admired by people under thirty.’ At first he picks easy targets – A. E. Housman’s ‘roselipt maidens’

boys who suck cock 

and Rupert Brooke’s ‘Grantchester’ (‘a sort of accumulated vomit from a stomach stuffed with place-names’).

not wholly a sodomite. He swung both ways. It would be fair to say that their poems would have benefitted from more graphic depictions of red hot anal loving.  

But then the polemic is widened to include ‘the movement’, the politically committed generation of Auden

who had talent 

and Spender

who didn't 

and MacNeice.

who wasn't Scottish. He was Irish. People would point this out to you if you dismissed him as having a sporran bigger than his kilt. 

‘On the whole,’ Orwell says, ‘the literary history of the thirties seems to justify the opinion that a writer does well to keep out of politics.’

Churchill did very well out of literature in the Thirties.     

It is true he scores some points, as when he indicates the bourgeois, boarding-school origins of just about all these literary radicals,

Like whom? 'Red' Ellen Wilkinson? Atlee made her his Minister of Education. Orwell was writing about shitheads who couldn't get elected rat-catcher. 

or when he connects the popularity of Communism among British intellectuals

Ellen was an actual Commie. British 'intellectuals' were stupid and useless.  

to the general middle-class disillusion with all traditional values: ‘Patriotism, religion, the Empire, the family, the sanctity of marriage, the Old School Tie, birth, breeding, honour, discipline – anyone of ordinary education could turn the whole lot of them inside out in three minutes.’

So could cats- if they could be bothered. 

In this vacuum of ideology, he suggests, there was still ‘the need for something to believe in,’ and Stalinist Communism ‘filled the void.’

Coz being an 'Empire Loyalist' was even sillier. Rushdie misses a trick by not mentioning Orwell's previous career in the Indian Imperial Police.  

But he distorts, too. For instance, he flays Auden for one line in the poem ‘Spain’, the one about ‘the conscious acceptance of guilt in the necessary murder…. It could only be written,’ Orwell writes, ‘by a person to whom murder is at most a word. Personally, I would not speak so lightly of murder.’

Coz Orwell was actually Jack the fucking Ripper. Auden was a limp wristed Nancy boy. 

Orwell’s accusation is that the line reveals Auden’s casualness – a politically motivated casualness – towards human life.

or his human wife. It was a visa marriage. 'What else are buggers good for' he plaintively asked. Thankfully, his father-in-law, Thomas Mann didn't take up the invitation.  

Actually, it does nothing of the sort. The deaths referred to are those of people in war. The dying of soldiers is all too often spoken of in euphemisms: ‘sacrifice’, ‘martyrdom’, ‘fall’, and so forth.

Sadly, nobody can say this of Rushdie- yet.  

Auden has the courage to say that these killings are murders; and that if you are a combatant in a war, you accept the necessity of murders in the service of your cause.

If that is courage, what is cowardice? Fucking off to America just when your country needs you isn't the action of a brave man. Orwell had more bottom.  

His willingness to grasp this nettle is not inhuman, but humanizing. Orwell, trying to prove the theory that political commitment distorts an artist’s vision, has lost his own habitual clear-sightedness instead.

What clear-sightedness? The man had shit for brains.  

Returning to Henry Miller, Orwell takes up and extends Miller’s comparison of Anaïs Nin to Jonah in the whale’s belly.

She aestheticized porn. Why? Coz she had a vagina. Dicks are more mechanical.  

‘The whale’s belly is simply a womb big enough for an adult

No. It is a tomb like that in which Christ spends three nights & three days. Repentance & resurrection lie at the heart of the story of Jonah. 

…a storm that would sink all the battleships in the world would hardly reach you as an echo…. Miller himself is inside the whale…a willing Jonah…. He feels no impulse to alter or control the process that he is undergoing. He has performed the essential Jonah act of allowing himself to be swallowed, remaining passive, accepting. It will be seen what this amounts to. It is a species of quietism.’

Anais had artistic talent. Miller didn't. I don't suppose her orgasms were particularly quiet. Anyway, she was the rare chick who cries out 'Daddy!' because she is actually fucking her father.   

And at the end of this curious essay, Orwell – who began by describing writers who ignored contemporary reality as ‘usually footlers or plain idiots’ –

or industrious folk who paid a lot in taxes 

embraces and espouses this quietist philosophy, this cetacean version of Pangloss’s exhortation to cultiver notre jardin.

There is no such exhortation. Rushdie has confused Candide with Pangloss.  

‘Progress and reaction,’ Orwell concludes, ‘have both turned out to be swindles.

He was wrong. There had been great progress in military technology which is why British casualties were so much lower than in the first war. 

Seemingly there is nothing left but quietism – robbing reality of its terrors by simply submitting to it.

Emigration is not submission. Orwell tried to enlist. He chose a better path.  

Get inside the whale – or rather, admit you are inside the whale (for you are, of course).

Only if, like Jonah, you are spending three days & nights repenting in a khanqah or other such place of religious retreat.  

Give yourself over to the world-process…simply accept it, endure it, record it. That seems to be the formula that any sensitive novelist is now likely to adopt.’

Graham Greene & Evelyn Waugh were doing well. Orwell too did produce two readable books.  

The sensitive novelist’s reasons are to be found in the essay’s last sentence, in which Orwell speaks of ‘the impossibility of any major literature until the world has shaken itself into its new shape.’

I suppose, Orwell & Greene & Waugh were minor masters. Priestley, at the time, looked more promising.  

And we are told that fatalism is a quality of Indian thought.

Muslim thought. Hindus have reincarnation.  

It is impossible not to include in any response to ‘Inside the Whale’ the suggestion that Orwell’s argument is much impaired by his choice, for a quietist model, of Henry Miller.

It is impossible to respond to that shite without derision.  

In the forty-four years since the essay was first published, Miller’s reputation has more or less completely evaporated, and he now looks to be very little more than the happy pornographer beneath whose scatological surface Orwell saw such improbable depths.

Orwell wanted to get into the mind of the prole- probably so as to rearrange the furniture- & thought Miller was, at best, lower middle class & had been an acolyte of, the Black Socrates, Hubert Harrison. This was at a time when people of Orwell's class were praising Firbank's 'Prancing Nigger'. Rushdie, of course, was a prancing ninny. 

If we, in 1984, are asked to choose between, on the one hand, the Miller of Tropic of Cancer and ‘the first hundred pages of Black Spring’ and, on the other, the collected works of Auden, MacNeice and Spender, I doubt that many of us would go for old Henry.

Nobody would go for Spender. Auden & MacNeice have a couple of memorable poems. Miller did influence Durrell- who was born in India but, quite rightly, avoided writing about that boring shithole.  

So it would appear that politically committed art can actually prove more durable than messages from the stomach of the fish.

There are no such messages. Nin's porn is effective. That's all that matters.  

It would also be wrong to go any further without discussing the senses in which Orwell uses the term ‘polities’.

Stupid senses. He isn't talking about the boring business of solving collective action problems.  

Six years after ‘Inside the Whale’, in the essay ‘Politics and the English Language’ (1946), he wrote: ‘In our age there is no such thing as “keeping out of politics”.

Sadly, it was an age where Orwell had no place in politics. Stalin had prevailed. Trotsky was as dead as Queen Anne.  

All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred and schizophrenia.’

Politics was about stuff like setting up a National Health Service. It wasn't about saying boo to Capitalism. 

For a man as truthful, direct, intelligent, passionate and sane as Orwell,

i.e. a stupid, crazy, paranoid liar 

‘politics’ had come to represent the antithesis of his own worldview. It was an underworld-become-overworld Hell on earth.

Fortunately, the shithead died soon afterwards. Sadly, Hell isn't a real thing. 

‘Politics’ was a portmanteau term

Nope. A portmanteau term is created out of two different words- e.g. smoke plus fog becomes smog.  

which included everything he hated; no wonder he wanted to keep it out of literature.

He didn't. He just didn't know anything about it.  

I cannot resist the idea that Orwell’s intellect and finally his spirit, too, were broken by the horrors of the age in which he lived,

that of Stanley Baldwin? 

the age of Hitler and Stalin (and, to be fair, by the ill health of his later years).

He didn't live in Germany or Russia.  

Faced with the overwhelming evils of exterminations and purges and fire-bombings,

He did face the Blitz & did his bit- however shit- for King & Country.  

and all the appalling manifestations of politics-gone-wild, he turned his talents to the business of constructing and also of justifying an escape route. Hence his notion of the ordinary man as victim, and therefore of passivity as the literary stance closest to that of the ordinary man.

Orwell knew his Bible. He got that Jonah was deeply disappointed when God decided not to destroy Nineveh. He himself had wasted his life criticising a system which could reform itself easily enough.  

He is using this type of logic as a means of building a path back to the womb, into the whale and away from the thunder of war.

He really isn't. Still, he gets that sex is a good thing. Proles want more sex. The solution is improved condoms.  

This looks very like the plan of a man who has given up the struggle.

Orwell wrote a shitty essay. So what?  

Even though he knows that ‘there is no such thing as “keeping out of politics”,’ he attempts the construction of a mechanism with just that purpose.

Nope. He tried to enlist when war was declared but his health was too poor. So he joined the Home Guard & worked for the Beeb doing propaganda aimed at India. A patriot albeit a stupid one. 

Sit it out, he recommends; we writers will be safe inside the whale, until the storm dies down. I do not presume to blame him for adopting this position. He lived in the worst of times.

He lived through Britain's finest hour.  

But it is important to dispute his conclusions, because a philosophy built on an intellectual defeat must always be rebuilt at a later point.

Rushdie is too stupid to build shit.  

And undoubtedly Orwell did give way to a kind of defeatism and despair.

Death took him but he left two books which 'justified' his life.  

By the time he wrote Nineteen Eighty-Four, sick and cloistered on Jura, he had plainly come to think that resistance was useless.

Why resist Atlee? He was setting up the National Health Service.  

Winston Smith considers himself a dead man from the moment he rebels.

He was never really alive. What spoils the book is Orwell's elitist assumption about some worthless intelligentsia which had no fucking intelligence.  

The secret book of the dissidents turns out to have been written by the Thought Police.

Who were equally imaginary.  

All protest must end in Room 101.

in London University's Senate House?  

In an age when it often appears that we have all agreed to believe in entropy,

negentropy- i.e. non-Gaussianity or information content. Rushdie studied shite at Uni. 

in the proposition that things fall apart, that history is the irreversible process by which everything gradually gets worse, the unrelieved pessimism of Nineteen Eighty-Four goes some way towards explaining the book’s status as a true myth of our times.

Nope. It is a reminder that 'it really can't happen here'- unless, obviously, stupid Pakistanis demographically replace the English.  

What is more (and this connects the year’s parallel phenomena of Empire-revivalism and Orwellmania), the quietist option, the exhortation to submit to events, is an intrinsically conservative one.

No. Rolling back stupid Left/Liberal shite is the Tory option.  

When intellectuals and artists withdraw

Nobody notices. 

from the fray, politicians feel safer.

If the only thing they need to worry about is artists or intellectuals then they are entirely safe. 

Once, the right and left in Britain used to argue about which of them ‘owned’ Orwell.

Sodomised him? That was a thing?  

In those days both sides wanted him; and, as Raymond Williams has said, the tug-of-war did his memory little honour. I have no wish to reopen these old hostilities;

coz everybody would pound your ass? 

but the truth cannot be avoided, and the truth is that passivity always serves the interests of the status quo, of the people already at the top of the heap, and the Orwell of ‘Inside the Whale’ and Nineteen Eighty-Four is advocating ideas that can only be of service to our masters.

Or mistresses. Rushdie's made him eat her shit. He keeps quiet about it for understandable reasons.  

If resistance is useless, those whom one might otherwise resist become omnipotent.

No. Their power does not increase. They just don't have to use it on useless people. 

It is much easier to find common ground with Orwell when he comes to discuss the relationship between politics and language.

Only if you have shit for brains. Politics is about collective action problems. It has a mathematical representation. Propaganda isn't politics. It is either marketing or mania.  

The discoverer of Newspeak was

wrong. Math matters. Language doesn't.  

aware that ‘when the general (political) atmosphere is bad, language must suffer.’

Because stupid shitheads think language matters. It doesn't.  

In ‘Politics and the English Language’ he gives us a series of telling examples of the perversion of meaning for political purposes.

He was perverting language not for a political but a polemical- and paranoid- purpose. Had the English listened to the cunt, they wouldn't have set up a National Health Service because they would have said 'there is no such thing as a British Nation' & 'Illness is not Health' & 'Dictatorship is not Service'. As Churchill said, Labour is setting up a Gestapo State with 'Death Panels' staffed by GPs. 

‘Statements like Marshal Pétain was a true patriot, The Soviet Press is the freest in the world, The Catholic Church is opposed to persecution are almost always made with intent to deceive,’ he writes.

Also, when people say 'Hello' what they really mean is 'Eat shit!'  

He also provides beautiful parodies of politicians’ metaphor-mixing: ‘The Fascist octopus has sung its swan song, the jackboot is thrown into the melting pot.’
Nobody gives a fuck about such things because language doesn't matter at all. Orwell said 'if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought'. He may as well have said 'if thought can fellate language, language can also sodomize thought while taking a dump on the tits of Hope.' 
Recently, I came across a worthy descendant of these grand old howlers: The Times, reporting the smuggling of classified documents out of Civil Service departments, referred to the increased frequency of ‘leaks’ from ‘a high-level mole’.

Nothing wrong with that. A mole is a guy with a different allegiance. He reveals classified information for some purpose of his own. 

It’s odd, though, that the author of Animal Farm, the creator of so much of the vocabulary through which we now comprehend these distortions – doublethink, thoughtcrime, and the rest – should have been unwilling to concede that literature was best able to defend language, to do battle with the twisters, precisely by entering the political arena.

He was stupid, not utterly mad. The political arena is about making the NHS better. It isn't about defending Language from anal rape by Thought which is also shitting on the tits of Hope.  

The writers of Group 47 in post-war Germany – Grass, Böll and the rest,

were shit.  

with their ‘rubble literature’, whose purpose and great achievement was to rebuild the German language from the rubble of Nazism

It remained what it was though, no doubt, it changed under the influence of the occupying powers.  

– are prime instances of this power. So, in quite another way, is a writer like Joseph Heller. In Good as Gold the character of the Presidential aide Ralph provides Heller with some superb satire at the expense of Washingtonspeak.

It was mediocre. Catch 22 is the only thing he will be remembered for.  

Ralph speaks in sentences that usually conclude by contradicting their beginnings: ‘This Administration will back you all the way until it has to.’ ‘This President doesn’t want yes-men. What we want are independent men of integrity who will agree with all our decisions after we make them.’

Come to think of it, Catch 22 isn't that good. Still, it was about something interesting- viz. the US Airforce in Italy during the Second World War.  

Every time Ralph opens his oxymoronic mouth he reveals the limitations of Orwell’s view of the interaction between literature and politics.

Orwell was a useless pile of shite. Still, he was a patriot & answered the call of King & Country. Adolescents like two of his novels. Why? They are short. They aren't subtle. I recall bumping into Orwell at the Grafton Arms. The fucker accepted a pint readily enough but refused my suggestion that at the end of 1984, Napoleon the pig eats the protagonist & then shits on Big Brother. 

It is a view which excludes comedy, satire, deflation; because of course the writer need not always be the servant of some beetle-browed ideology. He can also be its critic, its antagonist, its scourge. From Swift to Solzhenitsyn, writers have

been useless. Swift, it must be said, wrote well.  

discharged this role with honour. And remember Napoleon the Pig.

Or don't. It makes no difference.  

Just as it is untrue that politics ruins literature (even among ‘ideological’ political writers, Orwell’s case would founder on the great rock of Pablo Neruda),

Neruda was shit. So was Allende. Also Pinochet. Still, Chile & Argentina have more than their fair share of literary talent.  

so it is by no means axiomatic that the ‘ordinary man’, I’homme moyen sensuel, is politically passive.

Nothing is axiomatic.  

We have seen that the myth of this inert commoner was a part of Orwell’s logic of retreat;

We really haven't. He wrote a silly essay about some shithead. Nobody cared.  

but it is nevertheless worth reminding ourselves of just a few instances in which the ‘ordinary man’ – not to mention the ‘ordinary woman’ – has been anything but inactive.

Sadly, ordinary Pakistanis weren't able to kick Rushdie's head in & claim lots of money from the Iranians for performing this service for Islam.  

We may not approve of Khomeini’s Iran, but the revolution there was a genuine mass movement.

It was shit.  

So is the revolution in Nicaragua.

See above.  

And so, let us not forget, was the Indian revolution.

There was no such thing. Some Commies wagged their tail. They were beaten into submission quickly enough.  

I wonder if independence would have arrived in 1947 if the masses, ignoring Congress and Muslim League, had remained seated inside what would have had to be a very large whale indeed.

Even Sri Lanka got it. The Imperial game was not worth the financial candle.  

The truth is that there is no whale. We live in a world without hiding places;

Rushdie hid very successfully from Iranian & other irate Muslims.  

the missiles have made sure of that.

This shithead hadn't heard of fall-out shelters. Didn't he watch Dr. Strangelove?  

However much we may wish to return to the womb,

Nobody wants that 

we cannot be unborn.

We can die. That's good enough.  

So we are left with a fairly straightforward choice. Either

be sensible & treat politics as having to do with collective action problems or 

we agree to delude ourselves, to lose ourselves in the fantasy of the great fish

Nobody does that. Jonah is inauspicious. That's why the sailors want to dump him in the Ocean.  

– for which a second metaphor is that of Pangloss’s garden

They are wholly unrelated. Johah spent three nights & days praying & repenting in the belly of the whale. Pangloss doesn't have a garden. He is a Liebnizian. Candide rejects his philosophy & decides to do something useful- viz. cultivate his garden. Rushdie was incapable of understanding anything he read.  

and for which a third would be the position adopted by the ostrich in time of danger;

Ostriches don't really stick their head in the sand. They'd have gone instinct had such been the case.  

or we can do what all human beings do instinctively when they realize that the womb has been lost for ever: we can make the very devil of a racket.

Rushdie is talking of babies. But non-babies don't soil themselves incessantly & scream their lungs out. Admittedly, this may not be true of the Cambridge history department.  

Certainly, when we cry, we cry partly for the safety we have lost; but we also cry to affirm ourselves, to say, here I am, I matter, too – you’re going to have to reckon with me. So, in place of Jonah’s womb,

where he did 'tawbah'- i.e. repentance 

I am recommending the ancient tradition of making as big a fuss, as noisy a complaint about the world as is humanly possible.

Rushdie screamed his tits off. Then he went into hiding.  

Where Orwell wished quietism, let there be rowdyism; in place of the whale, the protesting wail. If we can cease envisaging ourselves as metaphorical foetuses, and substitute the image of a newborn child, then that will be at least a small intellectual advance. In time, perhaps, we may even learn to toddle.

Rushdie did toddle off to America. Sadly, he got stabbed there probably because he was wailing or soiling himself in some manner which attracted attention. 

I must make one thing plain. I am not saying that all literature must now be of this protesting, noisy type. Perish the thought; now that we are babies fresh from the womb, we must find it possible to laugh and wonder as well as rage and weep. I have no wish to nail myself, let alone anyone else, to the tree of political literature for the rest of my writing life.

Gesture-political. The big Pakistani baby made a ruckus but then had to run away and hide after the Ayatollah heard of him.  

Lewis Carroll and Italo Calvino are as important to literature as Swift or Brecht.

Carroll & Swift wrote good English. They matter to English speakers. Calvino & Brecht were shite.  

What I am saying is that politics and literature, like sport and politics, do mix, are inextricably mixed, and that that mixture has consequences.

For Jeffry Archer- sure. For Rushdie- not so much.  

The modern world lacks not only hiding places,

says a dude famous for hiding 

but certainties. There is no consensus about reality between, for example, the nations of the North and of the South.

Yes there is. Don't borrow money you can't pay-back. Your credit rating goes down. You have to embrace either Austerity or Anarchy.  

What President Reagan says is happening in Central America differs so radically from, say, the Sandinista version that there is almost no common ground.

Dubya & the Donald make Reagan look like Mary fucking Poppins. Rushdie migrated to New York, not Nicaragua.  

It becomes necessary to take sides, to say whether or not one thinks of Nicaragua as the United States’ ‘front yard’. (Vietnam, you will recall, was the ‘back yard’.)

Rushdie preferred to have an American front & back yard though, no doubt, an apartment is lower maintenance. 

It seems to me imperative that literature enter such arguments, because what is being disputed is nothing less than what is the case, what is truth and what untruth.

That's stuff economists & journalists are better at keeping track of.  

If writers leave the business of making pictures of the world to politicians, it will be one of history’s great and most abject abdications.

It will make no fucking difference whatsoever.  

Outside the whale is

dry land- which is where Jonah gets to after he has repented.  

the unceasing storm, the continual quarrel, the dialectic of history.

which, Marx tells us, is economic not literary.  

Outside the whale there is a genuine need for political fiction,

There really isn't. Entertainment is all we ask for.  

for books that draw new and better maps of reality, and make new languages with which we can understand the world.

Rushdie couldn't understand shit.  

Outside the whale we see that we are all irradiated by history,

No. Economics is ergodic. History really doesn't matter. Those who do not learn from it are condemned to teach it or gas on about it because that's how they can make a little money. 

we are radioactive with history and politics; we see that it can be as false to create a politics-free fictional universe as to create one in which nobody needs to work or eat or hate or love or sleep.

No. Politics-free fictional universes can be entertaining. That's all that matters. 

Outside the whale it becomes necessary, and even exhilarating, to grapple with the special problems created by the incorporation of political material, because politics is by turns farce and tragedy, and sometimes (e.g. Zia’s Pakistan) both at once.

Pakistan was actually less of a shitshow than Khalqi, Commie, Afghanistan. Indeed, it compared favourably with Iran.  

Outside the whale the writer is obliged to accept that he (or she) is part of the crowd, part of the ocean, part of the storm, so that objectivity becomes a great dream, like perfection, an unattainable goal for which one must struggle in spite of the impossibility of success.

Fuck off! You can be like PG Woodhouse or Agatha Christie or J.R Tolkein. Alternatively, you can be a prancing ninny like Rushdie.  

Outside the whale is the world of Samuel Beckett’s famous formula: I can’t go on, I’ll go on.

Fuck Beckett. Bugs Bunny is the way to go.  

This is why (to end where I began) it really is necessary to make a fuss about Raj fiction and the zombie-like revival of the defunct Empire.

It must be said, Lapierre & Collins's 'Freedom at Midnight' made Indian Independence sexy. But, it was no such thing. It was as boring as shit.  

The various films and TV shows and books I discussed earlier propagate a number of notions about history which must be quarrelled with, as loudly and as embarrassingly as possible.

Rushdie was soiling himself as he wrote this.  

These include: the idea that non-violence makes successful revolutions;

The Glorious Revolution, in England, featured no violence. Norway separated from Sweden without violence. After the Armistice, there were peaceful revolutions in most German states though, no doubt, in Bavaria, things subsequently turned violent. 

the peculiar notion that Kasturba Gandhi could have confided the secrets of her sex-life to Margaret Bourke-White;

there were no secrets. Her hubby had told everybody he'd given up sex. Nobody thought she'd taken a lover.  

the bizarre implication that any Indians could look or speak like Amy Irving or Christopher Lee;

The Pakistanis, bizarrely, chose Count Dracula to play Jinnah in the movie they financed. 

the view (which underlies many of these works) that the British and Indians actually understood each other jolly well, and that the end of the Empire was a sort of gentlemen’s agreement between old pals at the club;

Nehru really was an old pal of Cripps. Atlee came to stay and showed Nehru Labour's plan for India. It was everything Nehru wanted. This happened in 1938.  

the revisionist theory – see David Lean’s interviews – that we, the British, weren’t as bad as people make out;

VS Naipaul quoted Santayana 'the world never had sweeter masters'. But Niradh Chaudhuri was more adulatory.  

the calumny, to which the use of rape-plots lends credence, that frail English roses were in constant sexual danger from lust-crazed wogs (just such a fear lay behind General Dyer’s Amritsar massacre);

frail Indian lotuses were in greater danger.  

and, above all, the fantasy that the British Empire represented something ‘noble’ or ‘great’ about Britain;

It was great that Britain made a profit on it. It was noble of Churchill & Co. to protect it from the Japs.  

that it was, in spite of all its flaws and meannesses and bigotries, fundamentally glamorous.

Okay. That's stretching things. The place was bureaucratic & as boring as fuck.  

If books and films could be made and consumed in the belly of the whale, it might be possible to consider them merely as entertainment, or even, on occasion, as art.

Films made by Hollywood studios were pretty good. So were novels churned out by nice English ladies who had families to feed.  

But in our whaleless world, in this world without quiet corners, there can be no easy escapes from history, from hullabaloo, from terrible, unquiet fuss.

Rushdie's world featured 'safe spaces', on Ivy League campuses, for post-colonial shitheads like himself. He aimed for something better for himself but then had to go into hiding. He may have lost an eye but he has the satisfaction of having lived to see his country kill the Ayatollah & bomb the shit out of Iran. 

Wednesday, 29 October 2025

Rushdie's calamity

Kevin Power writes in the Guardian, about Salman Rushdie's latest short story collection, 

Towards the end of Knife, his 2024 book about the assault at a public event in upstate New York that blinded him in his right eye, Salman Rushdie offers a thought experiment:


Imagine that you knew nothing about me, that you had arrived from another planet, perhaps, and had been given my books to read, and you had never heard my name or been told anything about my life or about the attack on The Satanic Verses in 1989. Then, if you read my books in chronological order, I don’t believe you would find yourself thinking, Something calamitous happened to this writer’s life in 1989. The books are their own journey.

If you read 'Midnight', you understood that Rushdie didn't like his dad and 'had issues with authority'. In 'Satanic', there is a degree of reconciliation before the father dies. The hope is held out that Rushdie might be growing up- or 'reintegrating' a fractious anima as the Jungians might have it. But, it is one thing to attack the Prime Minister of a Democratic country. It is another to attack the Supreme Leader of a Theocracy which uses terrorism as a foreign policy tool. Would the British police- whom Rushdie had depicted as racist buffoons- be able to protect Rushdie from assassins sent by a country which has a good reason to hate the United Kingdom? 

The answer turned out to be yes. Still, the American Jewish wife had to go. But that was scarcely a calamity. Getting knifed by some rando was a calamity.  Rushdie should have hired a close protection agent with a concealed carry permit and adjusted his speaking fees accordingly.

Literature is a service industry. Failure to adopt a proper absorption cost model can have catastrophic consequences. Books are less important than Book Keeping. 

Wednesday, 3 September 2025

Leela Gandhi's Postcolonial reparation for Ind's raped Mahatma

 Post-colonial thought is a product of anti-colonial thought which itself had established networks crossing continents in the second half of the nineteenth century. Thus, an African American journalist gives a better account of the 'first Indian War of Independence' in 1857, than was available in the mainstream press. How was this possible? The answer is that he was part of the Abolitionist movement and had lived in England. A big role was played by the humble 'lascar'- i.e. Merchant Mariner from the Indian Ocean littoral- and his counterparts from America or Europe. By the beginning of the Twentieth Century, 'coloured' lawyers, educators, pastors, Doctors etc had created institutions which fostered close links across oceans. There were different 'flavours' of anti-Colonial thinking- Marxist, Islamist, Gandhian etc.- but this did not stand in the way of the forging of alliances and the creation of a common agenda. As power increasingly passed to Nationalist parties in countries moving to independence, Anti-Colonial thought metamorphosized into an official State sponsored ideology whose spirit of internationalism was well represented by the Bandung Conference and the Non Aligned Movement. Once the problem of worsening terms of trade for primary producers was grasped this took on not just a Diplomatic but an Economic complexion. True, there were internecine problems for this 'Third World' which had found its own voice. Former colonies might go to war because of problems created by Imperial frontiers drawn by European Statesmen for their own purposes. Trade agreements might collapse and lack of infrastructure or paucity of Trade Credit might prevent cross-border or regional trade from burgeoning. Nevertheless, by the end of the Seventies there was considerable official literature as well as multi-national institutions of various types advancing a common agenda. I suppose the 'North South dialogue' culminating in the Brandt report represented the high-point of 'Post-Colonial' ideology as a broad-based organizing principle for formerly colonized countries. By then, the rising generation of diplomats and economists in Africa and Asia had considerable exposure to this ideology. It was usual for rising stars in the Youth wing of the ruling party to be sent to Conference where they would meet their peers from other Continents. Yet, post-colonialism in the Academy had no awareness of this. Consider the following penned by Leela Gandhi in her 'Introduction to Post-Colonial theory' published in 1998. Had she just asked some Uncle of hers in the Diplomatic service, he could have sent her a sample of the voluminous official literature on the subject. Because she was too busy reading Jane Austen & Charles Dickens as part of her Eng Lit degree, she may not have been aware of India's own very considerable contribution to anti-colonial and post-colonial ideology and praxis. That's why she wrote as follows-

In the last decade postcolonialism has taken its place with theories such as poststructuralism, psychoanalysis and feminism as a major critical discourse in the humanities.

Sadly the 'humanities' had become sub-human. Women thought 'Third Wave Feminism' was useless or mischievous. Psychiatrists found that 'the talking cure' cured nobody. Drugs did. As for 'post-structuralism' or 'post-modernism', both were meaningless. Structural Causal Models matter because they enable us to change outcomes or make better predictions. If you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat a path to your door. If you have a better SCM you can make a lot of money or gain a lot of influence. You aren't stuck teaching nonsense to credential-craving cretins.  

As a consequence of its diverse and interdisciplinary usage, this body of thought has generated an enormous corpus of specialised academic writing.

An algorithm had been created whereby cretins got sheepskins in shit. The reward for those best at this was to get tenure teaching yet more moronic students.  

Nevertheless, although much has been written under its rubric, ‘postcolonialism’ itself remains a diffuse and nebulous term.

Only because those who went in for it were nitwits. 'Post-colonialism' is what came after 'anti-colonialism'. It had its own quite sophisticated mathematical economics- as in the early work of Graciella Chichilnisky. Manmohan, who had worked under Prebisch- another pioneer- became Finance Minister of India some six years before Leela published this shite. Manmohan helped change India. He served two full terms as Prime Minister.  

Unlike Marxism or deconstruction, for instance, it seems to lack an ‘originary moment’ or a coherent methodology.

Because it is nonsense. By contrast Anti-Colonialism was International, became better and better organized and, after the end of Imperialism, further developed as the uniting ideology of the 'Third World'- including countries from the 'periphery' like Argentina. Consider Amba Prasad Sufi- a Hindu who is considered an 'Islamists' because he helped the Iranians and the Iraqis to fight back against European powers. Mention of his name is a solvent when Iranian or Iraqi diplomats meet their Indian counterparts. What is more, it is this overarching ideology which permits Third World countries to carry on with mutually beneficial projects even after a dramatic regime change- e.g. the fall of the Shah not affecting the Kudhremukh Indo-Iranian project.  

This book is an attempt to ‘name’ postcolonialism

why attempt to name John as John?  

—to delineate the academic and cultural conditions under which it first emerged

it did not emerge from 'academic' or 'cultural' conditions. It emerged from opposition to European colonialism on different continents. But it could also embrace a country like Argentina which was a primary producer on the periphery  and which thus faced worsening terms of trade. Moreover, it could find common ground with the 'Green' movement so as to tackle Climate Change which disproportionately harms former Colonies. 

and thereby to point to its major preoccupations and areas of concern.

Narcissus was good looking. This is a case of a turd admiring itself in a mirror.  

There are correspondingly two parts to the book—the first offers an account of postcolonialism’s academic and intellectual background,

Like my sister, Leela read English in Delhi. Unlike my sister, she did not go on to get an MA from the Commonwealth Institute in London and then an MPhil in International Relations from JNU. It was JNU which best curated the official post-colonial ideology that I have spoken about. Any Indian diplomat- which is what my sister became- was thoroughly indoctrinated in it. But so were a lot of Economists and other Civil Servants. The thing was real. There was even some private money behind it- e.g. from the BCCI bank. You could get a PhD in this from the I.R or Econ or Poli Sci Department and this would get you some sort of Government sinecure. Only a fool would go in for it if their subject was English. 

and the second elaborates the themes and issues which have most engaged the attention of postcolonial critics.

A guy who gets sick of teaching Jane Austen isn't a critic. He is just a chap trying to escape to greener pastures. But all he produces is shit.  

In the main, the intellectual history of postcolonial theory is marked by a dialectic between Marxism, on the one hand, and poststructuralism/postmodernism, on the other.

Marxism died. Postmodernism was still-born. Mathematics is now more, not less, structural and everything is becoming mathematical to some degree or other. 

So, too, this theoretical contestation informs the academic content of postcolonial analysis, manifesting itself in an ongoing debate between the competing claims of nationalism and internationalism,

this was resolved at Bandung a decade before Leela was born. She may have heard of a writer by the name of Jawaharlal Nehru. He played a big role in it. There was also a Chinese poet named Mao. He too was very influential.  

strategic essentialism and hybridity,

the first is the coinage of the cretin Spivak, the second that of Homo Baba. Both got PhDs in Eng. Lit. They know nothing about either anti-colonial or post-colonial theory and praxis. They were too busy reading Austen and Dickens and underlining the passages they really really liked.  

solidarity and dispersal,

 e.g. 'standing with Palestine' by staying the fuck away from it

the politics of structure/totality and the politics of the fragment.

neither exist. This shite might have been meaningful when the French Communist party looked like a contender for power. But that was long, long, ago.  

Critics on both sides of this divide are persuasive in their claims, and compelling in their critique of theoretical opponents.

But they have no influence. The anti-colonial thinkers decided a long time ago that differences in ideology or religion should not matter. Solidarity was based on non-interference in internal affairs. We may term this a Rawlsian 'overlapping consensus'.  

Neither the assertions of Marxism

e.g. those of Chairman Xi or Chief Minister Vijayan? Nope. These ignorant fucks don't know or care about either.  

nor those of poststructuralism, however, can exhaustively account for the meanings and consequences of the colonial encounter.

The miracle is, some can tie their own shoe-laces.  

While the poststructuralist critique of Western epistemology and theorisation of cultural alterity/difference is indispensable to postcolonial theory, materialist philosophies, such as Marxism, seem to supply the most compelling basis for postcolonial politics.

No. By 1954, when Nehru met Mao, it was agreed that there could be a common program regardless of internal economic arrangements. The Kremlin endorsed this view. Washington had to suck it up.  

Thus, the postcolonial critic has to work

they are incapable of useful work 

toward a synthesis of, or negotiation between, both modes of thought.

No. The anti-colonial ideologues agreed that no synthesis was required. Also, regarding common objectives, negotiation had to be with the Global 'North'- i.e. the advanced industrial economies. The substantive aspect had to do with improving terms of trade and the financing of infrastructure investment on favourable terms. Things like writing off sovereign debt and reducing conditionality on IMF loans were in the common interest.   

In a sense, it is on account of its commitment to this project of theoretical and political integration that postcolonialism deserves academic attention.

It had received it. The ex-diplomat might become a Professor while the Professor might get a high appointment in the Civil Service. Manmohan started off as a Professor.  

Finally, there is the question of postcolonialism’s constituency—the cultural audience for whom its theoretical disquisitions are most meaningful.

If you started off teaching Eng Lit, Economists and Diplomats aren't going to listen to you. Your constituency is those feeble minded enough to think it worthwhile to 'read' English in Collidge, as opposed to primary Skool.  

In my reading of this field, there is little doubt that in its current mood postcolonial theory principally addresses the needs of the Western academy.

Not that part of it which has a high IQ. This is cretins addressing morons. 'Teechur, do I really have to read 'Pride & Prejudice'? It makes my head hurt.' 'No. Just write 'Austen's catachresis of the duodecimal alterity of the Deluezian rhizoid is the catachresis of that thing Spivak wrote about in her next book & is totes triggering.' Also, don't call me 'teacher'. I am your PhD adviser.'  

It attempts to reform the intellectual and epistemological exclusions of this academy,

IR or Trade theory don't exclude actual postcolonialism. But that stuff gets super-mathsy. Cretins who 'read' Jane Austen for three years self-excluded themselves from it.  

and enables non-Western critics located in the West to present their cultural inheritance as knowledge.

Fuck off! A guy who says 'I have a PhD on Rabindranath Tagore' isn't considered 'knowledgeable'. He is considered a poorly paid pedant unless he quit teaching and his Uncle got him a job with a Merchant Bank.  

This is, of course, a worthwhile project

it really isn't.  

and, to an extent, its efforts have been rewarded.

Punished. Having to teach shite to shitheads is a punishment out of Dante's Inferno.  

The Anglo-American humanities academy has gradually stretched its disciplinary boundaries to include hitherto submerged and occluded voices from the non-Western world.

If you want a sheepskin in coolie shite, we will give it to you- for a price.  

But, of course, what postcolonialism fails to recognise is that what counts as ‘marginal’ in relation to the West has often been central and foundational in the non-West. Thus, while it may be revolutionary to teach Gandhi as political theory in the Anglo-American academy,

it isn't. There are continuities with Transcendentalists like Thoreau. Still, the thing is deeply boring.  

he is, and has always been, canonical in India.

No. It wasn't taught in India while he was alive. Lohia got a German Phd on Gandhian thought in the early Thirties.  

Despite its good intentions, then, postcolonialism continues to render non-Western knowledge and culture as ‘other’ in relation to the normative ‘self’ of Western epistemology and rationality.

Whereas American Sociologists and Political Scientists made a thorough study of such things over the course of the Fifties and Sixties. That is why, when Spivak wrote about the Naxal movement in her native Bengal, she relied on the work of Marcus F. Franda who was born in Wisconsin and got his PhD in Poli Sci from Chicago. He did two years research in Bengal. Why? The Americans thought they needed to understand the politics and culture of shithole countries. Then they realized what people want is money, not being bombed incessantly. 

Rarely does it engage with the theoretical self-sufficiency of African, Indian, Korean, Chinese knowledge systems,

Nonsense! Western Universities became very good at this. As Richard Crasto said 'the Vedas were written by Indians for Indians but are understood only by Germans'.  

or foreground those cultural and historical conversations which circumvent the Western world. Nowhere is this book motivated by a desire for postcolonial revenge. It does not seek finally to marginalise the West—to render it an excluded and uneasy eavesdropper to cryptic exchanges between, for instance, Africa and India.

Bandung and so forth were well publicized and quite well covered by the Western press. There may have been a lot of 'eaves-dropping' going on. I have heard or official researchers repairing gaps in the Indian diplomatic archives on the basis of declassified US Intelligence documents.  

Its manifesto, if any, is this: that postcolonialism diversify its mode of address and learn to speak more adequately to the world which it speaks for.

In other words, only Black or Brown peeps should get tenure. We can be stupider and more bigoted than any White dude.  

And, in turn, that it acquire the capacity to facilitate a democratic colloquium between the antagonistic inheritors of the colonial aftermath. 

Democratically elected leaders do so. Professors with PhD's in Eng Lit give tongue only to their own arseholes.  

After colonialism

came Independence. Newly free countries tried to help those countries which were still colonized. Post-Colonialism had a political agenda till the fall of Apartheid. Previously, it also had an economic agenda based on a mathematical model of the economy which highlighted the problem of declining terms of trade for primary producers or 'the periphery'. It looked as though there was a collective action problem. Sadly the solution couldn't work even in theory because of purely mathematical problems of concurrency, complexity, computability, categoricity etc. There was no 'top-down' or 'substantive' solution. You had to embrace subsidiarity and permit 'Tiebout sorting'. Maybe things are changing now. De-dollarization is possible. Ending its 'exorbitant privilege' may unite an expanded BRICS. The spirit of Bandung may revive. 

In 1985 Gayatri Spivak threw a challenge to the race and class blindness of the Western academy,

the Americans had been foolish enough to hire her to teach English and translate French philosophy even though her English was not good and she was wholly ignorant of European philosophy. She thought there was a guy in ancient Greece who had claimed to have jumped from the island of Rhodes to the mainland! She was thinking of Hanuman, the Hindu God. The Greek dude Marx mentioned had merely said 'when I was in Rhodes, I jumped a prodigious distance'. The retort was 'Imagine you are in Rhodes and jump now. Show us you aren't bull-shitting. '  

asking ‘Can the subaltern speak?’ (Spivak 1985).

Winston came to India as a subaltern. Most people thought he was quite a good speaker.  

By ‘subaltern’ Spivak meant the oppressed subject, the members of Antonio Gramsci’s ‘subaltern classes’ (see Gramsci 1978), or more generally those ‘of inferior rank’,

i.e. an Non-Commissioned Officer. But they can speak- indeed shout!- very well indeed.  

and her question followed on the work begun in the early 1980s by a collective of intellectuals now known as the Subaltern Studies group.

Would the Naxals accept them as their mouth-piece? No. They were useless. 

The stated objective of this group was ‘to promote a systematic and informed discussion of subaltern themes in the field of South Asian studies’ .

i.e. History from below. But, by then, 'subaltern' castes and tribes were gaining political power and re-writing history books and putting up big statues to their own heroes.  

Further, they described their project as an attempt to study ‘the general attribute of subordination in South Asian society whether this is expressed in terms of class, caste, age, gender and office or in any other way’ .

They thought 'elite historians' looked down on them and said mean things about them behind their backs. But there are no 'elite historians'. The profession is looked down on.  

... ‘subaltern studies’ defined itself as an attempt to allow the ‘people’ finally to speak within the jealous pages of elitist historiography and, in so doing, to speak for, or to sound the muted voices of, the truly oppressed.

But nobody gives a shit about Professors of History. Pedagogues aren't well paid. Nowadays, they aren't even allowed to sexually harass their grad students.  

Spivak’s famous interrogation of the risks and rewards which haunt any academic pursuit of subalternity drew attention to the complicated relationship between the knowing investigator and the (un)knowing subject of subaltern histories. For how, as she queried, ‘can we touch the consciousness of the people,

do it by writing in their mother tongue. Ranajit Guha did so towards the end of his long life. But nobody was interested in his shite. Still, they thought he was smart to swap his Indian passport for a British one back in 1959. The problem with 'postcolonialism' is that, unless you are a diplomat or high official, it is more salubriously done on a campus in a country still ruled by White peeps.  

even as we investigate their politics?

Spivak is famous for investigating Mamta's politics- thinks nobody at all.  

With what voice-consciousness can the subaltern speak?’

The same as the rest of us.  When a teaching assistant complains that she is paid less than minimum wage, we hear the subaltern speak. 

Through these questions Spivak places us squarely within the familiar and troublesome field of ‘representation’ and ‘representability’.

Voters elect people to represent them in parliament. That's why people listen to Mamta, not Spivak.  

How can the historian/investigator avoid the inevitable risk of presenting herself as an authoritative representative of subaltern consciousness?

Just say 'I read Eng Lit at Collidge. I'm as stupid as shit. Ignore me.'  

Should the intellectual ‘abstain from representation?’ 

Intellectuals must have intellect. These guys abstained from acquiring any such thing.  

Which intellectual is equipped to represent which subaltern class?

The guy from that class who, like Ambedkar has a couple of PhDs in Econ and who has practiced as a barrister and sat on high Councils of State.  Still, if he doesn't get elected, he represents shit. 

Is there an ‘unrepresentable subaltern class that can know and speak itself?’ 

We know of no such class. That is why 'class action' suits can succeed. This because in logic, mathematics & the law no class exists unless there is a predicate applicable to all in the class but not to the universal set.  

And finally, who—if any—are the ‘true’ or ‘representative’ subalterns of history, especially within the frame of reference provided by the imperialist project? The complex notion of subalternity is pertinent to any academic enterprise which concerns itself with historically determined relationships of dominance and subordination.

Eng Lit really isn't concerned with this though no doubt some S&M literature may have literary merit.  

Yet it is postcolonial studies which has responded with the greatest enthusiasm to Spivak’s ‘Can the subaltern speak?’.

Why? It is utterly hilarious. Spivak had a great aunt who didn't like having to go to school. She wanted to get married. Her brother-in-law said you will soon be too old and too ugly to get married. You will have to become a School Marm.' She hanged herself while on the rag. Why? Because Brahmins believe that the menstrual blood of an unmarried daughter flows back and pollutes the 'pinda' oblation to the ancestors. She was saying 'Daddy, you big meanie, you should have married me off. Instead you made me go to school and read Jane fucking Austen. I hope you burn in Hell!' 

Spivak concocts a fairy-tale about this teenage girl actually being a Revolutionary tasked with assassinating some high official. She killed herself while on the rag to prove she wasn't preggers. This is nonsense. The hymen of the corpse is examined. If it is clear that she has been having a lot of sex, that fact might be noted- unless the family pays a little money to hush up the matter.  

 Thus, while Spivak concluded her provocative essay by categorically insisting that ‘the subaltern cannot speak’ ,

In 1923, the son of a poor Bengali priest published an autobiography that was well received in America.  By then a Bengali poetess- Sarojini Naidu- was a prominent figure in Indian politics. Back in India, you soon had Chief Ministers and Cabinet Ministers born to very poor 'untouchable' families. Viceroy Wavell didn't like Jagjivan Ram because he was ugly. Then he found he was very good at handling his portfolio. Ram rose by merit. Had he become PM in 1977, India would now be ahead of China. 

postcolonial studies has come to represent a confusing and often unpleasant babel of subaltern voices. How then, can we begin to make sense of—or, indeed, take sense from—this field?

Don't bother. It is shit.  

The emergence of anti-colonial and ‘independent’ nation-States after colonialism is frequently accompanied by a desire to forget the colonial past.

Leela comes from such a country. The sins of the Brits were drummed into us from Primary School onwards.  

This ‘will-to-forget’ takes a number of historical forms, and is impelled by a variety of cultural and political motivations.

There is no such will in any ex-colony.  

Principally, postcolonial amnesia

refers to the Imperial country forgetting those pro-consuls it had previously regarded as heroes. Try going into an English pub and mentioning Robert Clive or Warren Hastings. Nobody has heard of either. As for the 'black hole of Calcutta' they suspect it is a reference to Rishi Sunak's rectum.  

is symptomatic of the urge for historical self-invention or the need to make a new start

that is done by renaming all the streets after local politicians and substituting terms from the indigenous language for foreign words- e.g. Radio becomes 'Akashvani' (voice from the Sky).  

—to erase painful memories of colonial subordination.

These are incessantly dwelt upon. Who doesn't know that Leela's ancestor was thrown out of a railway carriage?  

As it happens, histories, much as families, cannot be freely chosen by a simple act of will, and newly emergent postcolonial nation-States are often deluded and unsuccessful in their attempts to disown the burdens of their colonial inheritance. The mere repression of colonial memories is never, in itself, tantamount to a surpassing of or emancipation from the uncomfortable realities of the colonial encounter. In response, postcolonialism can be seen as a theoretical resistance to the mystifying amnesia of the colonial aftermath.

If Leela had been born in Canada, she might believe some such thing. I was born in Germany and I would frequently ask elderly Indians who waxed eloquent on the British 'looting' of India, how often Viceroy Sahib had sodomized them. They would indignantly deny that the entire British Army had used them as catamites. I would then say 'I suppose you were an ugly child. Otherwise, why should those were looting you not also rape you?' At this point, they tend to swear at me in Punjabi and tell me to fuck off back to Madras.  

It is a disciplinary project devoted to the academic task of revisiting, remembering and, crucially, interrogating the colonial past.

Ask it what it was like to be drained of its vital bodily essence by heinous acts of cunnilingus and fellatio perpetrated by evil Viceroys. People who studied Eng Lit at Hindu College should give an exhaustive account of the manner in which all the animals in Kipling's jungle book were sodomized by British subalterns like Winston Churchill.  

The process of returning to the colonial scene discloses a relationship of reciprocal antagonism and desire between coloniser and colonised.

Winston Churchill kept raping Mahatma Gandhi because of his shapely buttocks. This antagonised Gandhi something fierce. I often asked why Gandhi wore a diaper. Why not be a fully naked faqir? The answer was that Churchill would have become very excited by the sight of Gandhi's naked bum. The Queen would not have been amused.  

And it is in the unfolding of this troubled and troubling relationship that we might start to discern the ambivalent prehistory of the postcolonial condition. If postcoloniality is to be reminded of its origins in colonial oppression, it must also be theoretically urged to recollect the compelling seductions of colonial power.

Churchill seduced Gandhi by giving him chocolates and bouquets. Then he fucked the Mahatma in the ass. Colonial power was like that only.  

The forgotten archive of the colonial encounter narrates multiple stories of contestation

Curzon would ask Churchill to let him have a go at fucking Gandhi 

and its discomfiting other,

Gandhi was greatly discomfited by Churchill's penis.  

complicity.

He should have reported the matter to Queenji. Silence implies consent- if not complicity.  

In addition, the colonial archive preserves those versions of knowledge and agency produced in response to the particular pressures of the colonial encounter.

Very true. The India Office Library features detailed accounts of various colonial encounters with Gandhi's rectum. This is what caused post-colonial amnesia. Even Nehru does not allude to his own rape at the hands of the Viceroy's wife.  

The colonial past is not simply a reservoir of ‘raw’ political experiences and practices to be theorised from the detached and enlightened perspective of the present.

Yes it is. Look at the Elgaar Parishad commemorating the two hundredth anniversary of the Battle of Koregaon Bhima. Some Mahars had fought for the Brits against the Marathas. The aim was to draw a wedge between the two communities. 

It is also the scene of intense 

political propaganda and organization 

discursive and conceptual activity, characterised by a profusion of thought and writing about the cultural and political identities of colonised subjects.

No. There is some thought and writing about existing communities because this can be useful for political purposes. We know that 'colonised subjects', save in settler colonies, had little personal knowledge of or exposure to the Imperial power.  

Thus, in its therapeutic retrieval of the colonial past,

i.e. recovered memories of your grandfather telling you about being sodomized by Lord Linlithgow 

postcolonialism needs to define itself as an area of study which is willing not only to make, but also to gain, theoretical sense out of that past.

Theoretically, through our veins flows the blood of catamites who took it up the arse from successive Viceroys.  

 The colonial aftermath is marked by the range of ambivalent cultural moods and formations which accompany periods of transition and translation. It is, in the first place, a celebrated moment of arrival—charged with the rhetoric of independence and the creative euphoria of self-invention.

That's certainly true. Speaking generally, a newly independent country formed all sorts of new Institutions to carry forward all sorts of utopian projects. Then they ran out of money, or the President-for-life stole all the money and people began thinking of emigrating.  

This is the spirit with which Saleem Sinai, the protagonist of Salman Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children, initially describes the almost mythical sense of incarnation which attaches to the coincidence of his birth and that of the new Indian nation on the momentous stroke of the midnight hour on 15 August 1947: ‘For the next three decades, there was to be no escape. Soothsayers had prophesied me, newspapers celebrated my arrival, politicos ratified my authenticity’ (Rushdie 1982, p. 9).

Rushdie's father got his son a British passport before settling in Pakistan. Rushdie has no claim to be Indian. He is Pakistani. That is why his books weren't boring shite.  

Predictably, and as Rushdie’s Indian Everyman, Saleem Sinai, ultimately recognises, the colonial aftermath is also fraught by the anxieties and fears of failure which attend the need to satisfy the historical burden of expectation.

Just as the pre-colonial aftermath. That's how aftermaths work. Trump's second administration is fraught with anxiety and fear of failure. What if China won't give him a trade deal? What if the markets start to fall? As things are, he needs 6 Democrats in the Senate to vote for his Budget. 

In Sinai’s words, ‘I must work fast, faster than Scheherazade, if I am to end up meaning—yes, meaning—something. I admit it: above all things, I fear absurdity’ (Rushdie 1982, p. 9).

He means he must work fast to finish his story before Indira's goons come for him.  

To a large extent, Saleem Sinai’s  obsessive ‘creativity’ and semantic profusion is fuelled by his apprehension that the inheritors of the colonial aftermath must in some sense instantiate a totally new world.

Everyone does so, in some sense, by farting.  

Saleem Sinai’s tumble into independent India is, after all, framed by the crippling optimism

optimism does not cripple. True, if you optimistically jump off a cliff, you may end up a cripple but it is gravity which is at fault.  

of Nehru’s legendary narration of postcoloniality: ‘A moment comes, which comes but rarely in history, when we step out from the old to the new; when an age ends; and when the soul of a nation long suppressed finds utterance . . .’ (Rushdie 1982, p. 116). To quote Jameson’s observations on postmodernism out of context, we might say that the celebratory cyborg of postcoloniality is also plagued by ‘something like an imperative to grow new organs, to expand our sensorium and our body to some new, yet unimaginable, perhaps impossible, dimensions’ (Jameson 1991, p. 39).

Post-coloniality was a human condition for people who lived through the Independence struggle. It involved 'growing' something new- viz. a sense of collective belonging of a nationalist, rather than religious, or caste based type. Interestingly, many people- including poor women- gained access to a 'dimension'- that of political empowerment- in a manner previously thought impossible. First Ceylon, then India and then Israel, gained female Premiers. There was even a spiritual or 'Theosophical' aspect to this. To be part of Annie Besant's Home Rule league was to enter into communion with Mahatmas on the astral (akashic) plane. Then along came a Gujarati mahatama, who performed the miracle of getting Nehru's sister to give up her Muslim husband and content herself with a nice Brahmin boy- which Gandhi obligingly supplied. But for this circumstance, the Nehrus would have been a laughing stock. 

In pursuing this imperative, however, postcoloniality is

wanking and hopes someone is watching. 

painfully compelled to negotiate the contradictions arising from its indisputable historical belatedness, its post-coloniality, or political and chronological derivation from colonialism, on the one hand, and its cultural obligation to be meaningfully inaugural and inventive on the other.

The thing is as foolish as my claiming to be the real Beyonce.  

Thus, its actual moment of arrival—into independence— is predicated upon its ability to successfully imagine and execute a decisive departure from the colonial past. Albert Memmi,

a Jew who very quickly departed Tunisia when it became independent 

the Tunisian anti-colonial revolutionary

he was no such thing.  

and intellectual,

he taught high school 

has argued that the colonial aftermath is fundamentally deluded in its hope that the architecture of a new world will magically emerge from the physical ruins of colonialism.

Yet, that's what happened though no magic was involved. Also, Memmi didn't escape from Tunisia on a flying carpet.  

Memmi maintains that the triumphant subjects of this aftermath inevitably underestimate the psychologically tenacious hold of the colonial past on the postcolonial present. In his words: ‘And the day oppression ceases, the new man is supposed to emerge before our eyes immediately. Now, I do not like to say so, but I must, since decolonisation has demonstrated it: this is not the way it happens. The colonised lives for a long time before we see that really new man’ (Memmi 1968, p. 88).

We see new men in power. They speak Arabic, not French. They go to the mosque not the Church or the Freemason's lodge.  Memmi couldn't even speak proper Arabic. He spoke a Jewish/Arabic dialect. It was by no means unusual even for genuine Arabs educated at a French high school to be unable to speak the literary form of the language. But even if they left Tunisia when it became independent they remained Tunisian- unless they were Jews. 

Memmi’s political pessimism delivers an account of postcoloniality as

similar to my being Beyonce 

a historical condition marked by the visible apparatus of freedom

I am free to shake my booty 

and the concealed persistence of unfreedom.

I am not free to access Beyonce's bank account.  

He suggests that the pathology of this postcolonial limbo between arrival and departure, independence and dependence, has its source in the residual traces and memories of subordination.

Which are like my memories of being Beyonce.  

The perverse longevity of the colonised is nourished, in part, by persisting colonial hierarchies of knowledge and value which reinforce what Edward Said calls the ‘dreadful secondariness’ (Said 1989, p. 207) of some peoples and cultures.

In the case of India, you might say that people like Leela Gandhi were encouraged to speak English not Tamil or Gujerati or, worse yet, Hindi. But they were also encouraged to study STEM subjects. If you don't, at least crack the IAS exam. Otherwise you will be condemned to teach shite to cretins.  

So also the cosmetic veneer of national independence barely disguises the foundational economic, cultural and political damage inflicted by colonial occupation. Colonisation, as Said argues, is a ‘fate with lasting, indeed grotesquely unfair results’ (1989, p. 207).

Egyptian or Arab Christians have felt so since the Islamic conquest.  

In their response to the ambiguities of national independence, writers like Memmi and Said insist that the colonial aftermath does not yield the end of colonialism.

They got the fuck away from their countries of origin quickly enough. Said's dad was an American citizen. I suppose he hoped his son would become a lawyer or merchant banker and make a lot of money. Instead the fool taught literature.  

Despite its discouraging tone, this verdict is really framed by the quite benign desire to mitigate the disappointments and failures which accrue from the postcolonial myth of radical separation from Europe.

Rushdie & Memmi rushed off to Europe. Said was more fortunate. He went straight to America.  

The prefix ‘post’, as Lyotard has written, elaborates the conviction ‘that it is both possible and necessary to break with tradition and institute absolutely new ways of living and thinking’ (Lyotard 1992, p. 90).

This happened in India. The first president of India had the Viceregal mansion 'purified' with cow-dung. Say what you like about Curzon but a cow-dung fetish wasn't one of his foibles. Lee Kuan Yew records his discomfiture at having to eat with his hand at a dinner hosted by Nehru in the former Commander in Chief's mansion. But at least Indira kept the place clean. The Viceregal mansion was dirty.  

Almost invariably, this sort of triumphant utopianism shapes its vision of the future out of the silences and ellipses of historical amnesia.

Nonsense! The thing is shaped by technocrats and 'futurists' who describe what they believe will soon be possible, with the aid of Scientific discoveries which are yet to be made. Sadly, STEM subjects cost money and require brains. Just send your idiot daughter to get a degree in Eng Lit and hope she gets a teaching gig.  

It is informed by a mistaken belief in the immateriality and dispensability of the past.

Economics is ergodic. Where there is hysteresis (path-dependence) better mechanism design can get rid of the thing. Lyotard had studied worthless shite.  

In Lyotard’s judgment, ‘this rupture is in fact a way of forgetting or repressing the past, that is to say, repeating it and not surpassing it’ (Lyotard 1992, p. 90).

The fool didn't get that Freud was a fraud.  

Thus, we might conclude that the postcolonial dream of discontinuity is ultimately vulnerable to the infectious residue of its own unconsidered and unresolved past.

There was the project of a 'united front' against the former Imperial masters who might still have economic hegemony on global markets. But it either succeeded or failed for entirely economic- i.e. ergodic- reasons.  

Its convalescence is unnecessarily prolonged on account of its refusal to remember and recognise its continuity with the pernicious malaise of colonisation.

Actually, the real malaise was pre-colonial. That is why Jews and Christians and Hindus were wise to get the fuck away from newly independent Muslim majority lands. On the other hand, an Emirate ruled by sensible people who want their country to get richer is perfectly safe. If they have lower taxes, move there by all means.  

If postcoloniality can be described as a condition troubled by the consequences of a self-willed historical amnesia, then

there exists some method of causing amnesia which, if discovered, would be very marketable.  

the theoretical value of postcolonialism inheres, in part, in its ability to elaborate the forgotten memories of this condition.

Why do so? If a guy has gone to the trouble and expense of achieving 'self-willed' amnesia, he may well beat the shit out of you if you restore his memory of taking it up the arse from Winston Churchill while drunk off his head. 

In other words, the colonial aftermath calls for an ameliorative and therapeutic theory which is responsive to the task of remembering and recalling the colonial past.

Will it get paid for performing that task? No. Still, if you already have tenure in a shite Dept. nobody will stop you from pretending your students could pull down big bucks by psychoanalysing Tunisia. Sadly, it is Algeria which has the oil. Fuck you Algeria! Fuck you very much! 

The work of this theory may be compared with what Lyotard describes as the psychoanalytic procedure of anamnesis, or analysis—which urges patients ‘to elaborate their current problems by freely associating apparently inconsequential details with past situations—allowing them to uncover hidden meanings in their lives and their behaviour’ (Lyotard 1992, p. 93).

If you get paid by the hour, make it clear that hour means 45 minutes. Also, please don't soil my couch.  

In adopting this procedure, postcolonial theory inevitably commits itself to a complex project of historical and psychological ‘recovery’.

This is what I was trying to do when I asked elderly Punjabi how often Viceroy Sahib had sodomized them. The next step, obviously, would be to re-enact, and thus abreact, the trauma- i.e. I would make a bundle pimping them out to Nigel Farage. 

If its scholarly task inheres in the carefully researched retrieval of historical detail, it has an equally compelling political obligation to assist the subjects of postcoloniality to live with the gaps and fissures of their condition, and thereby learn to proceed with self-understanding.

But that was also true of pre-colonality- e.g. Britain before it was colonized by Brussels. What is important is to get people to remember how many times various penises had entered their colons. 

Salman Rushdie sheds light on this necessity in a wonderful moment of betrayal and reconciliation in Midnight’s Children, when the anti-hero and narrator, Saleem Sinai, reveals the cultural miscegenation and comic misrecognition of his celebrated birth.

Like Kipling's Kim or Tagore's Gora, he is actually a white dude who previously thought of himself as Indian. Something similar happened to Moses.  

Early in the novel, and at the same time as Amina Sinai struggles to produce her child in Dr Narlinkar’s Nursing Home, a poor woman called Vanita suffers a neglected labour in the ‘charity ward’. The child she is about to bear is the unexpected consequence of an affair with an Englishman, William Methwold, who boasts direct descent from a particularly imperialistic East India Company officer. When these children are finally delivered, a somewhat crazed midwife called Mary Pereira

in love with a Communist. She thinks swapping the babies is a blow against the Class system.  

switches Amina’s and Vanita’s babies around. Thus, Saleem Sinai, hailed by Nehru himself as the child of independent India, is really the son of a reluctantly departing coloniser.

While the Hindu cop is actually a Muslim who should have fucked off to Pakistan.  

But this accident, as the adult Saleem insists, is the allegorical condition of all those who inherit the colonial aftermath: ‘In fact, all over the new India, the dream we all shared, children were being born who were only partially the offspring of their parents’ (Rushdie 1982, p. 118).

This is crazy shit. The parents of some of 'Midnight's children' would have had to pick them up and run for the border precisely because there was no shared dream. Rushdie was British and Pakistani. He couldn't claim an Indian passport because his father emigrated.  

In his digressive self-narration, Saleem Sinai simultaneously refuses the guilt of unauthenticity and the desire to withhold the knowledge of his flawed genealogy. The Sinais, we are told, eventually reconcile themselves to the fact of Methwold’s bloodline, namely, to the hybrid inadequacies of their own postcoloniality. As Saleem explains: ‘when we eventually discovered the crime of Mary Pereira, we all found that it made no difference! I was still their son: they remained my parents. In a kind of collective failure of imagination, we learned that we simply could not think our way out of our pasts . . .’ (Rushdie 1982, p. 118).

Which is why Rushdie's family didn't emigrate to Pakistan. The plain fact is, they had a son and heir. Also, he was half European. That's a good thing. Europeans are hella smart.  

We might modify this narrative wisdom slightly to say that, perhaps, the only way out is by thinking, rigorously, about our pasts.

And discovering that Winston Churchill sodomized our ancestors.  

Postcolonial re-membering In his comments on Frantz Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks, the postcolonial critic, Homi Bhabha,

A literature Professor from Bombay. He is a Zoroastrian- i.e. descended from people who ran away from Iran because of Muslim persecution. His people did very well under the Brits. 

As for Fanon, the only comment I will make is that his country, Martinique, decided to retain its link with France. It has done very well. Haiti, on the other hand, is a shithole.  

announces that memory is the necessary and sometimes hazardous bridge between colonialism and the question of cultural identity.

This simply isn't true. Zoroastrian 'cultural identity' was maintained by its own priests and savants. Colonialism meant they grew richer and thus could devote more resources to this project. Independence made no difference to them. Socialism did. More and more of their smartest young people moved abroad. So did some cretins like Homo.  

Remembering, he writes, ‘is never a quiet act of introspection or retrospection. It is a painful re-membering, a putting together of the dismembered past to make sense of the trauma of the present’ (Bhabha 1994, p. 63).

Nonsense! It is something we have difficulty with because we drink too much. Also, if the present is traumatic, either move to some other place or get professional help of some sort. Remembering shit won't help you any.  

Bhabha’s account of the therapeutic agency of remembering is built upon the maxim that memory is the submerged and constitutive bedrock of conscious existence.

It isn't. Computers have memory. So do we. The thing is useful at times.  

While some memories are accessible to consciousness, others, which are blocked and banned—sometimes with good reason—perambulate the unconscious in dangerous ways, causing seemingly inexplicable symptoms in everyday life.

There is zero scientific proof that such is the case. Trauma does however have a statistically significant effect. Indeed, it can persist at the epigenetic level for a couple of generations.  

Such symptoms, as we have seen, can best be relieved when the analyst—or, in Bhabha’s case the theorist— releases offending memories from their captivity.

This is magical thinking. Still, it is true that everybody recovered their memories of my being Beyonce, I'd be as rich as fuck.  

The procedure of analysis–theory, recommended here, is guided by Lacan’s ironic reversal of the Cartesian cogito, whereby the rationalistic truth of ‘I think therefore I am’ is rephrased in the proposition: ‘I think where I am not, therefore I am where I do not think’ (Lacan 1977, p. 166).

Then people discovered that medication can work wonders. Paying a shrink is money thrown down the drain.  

In the process of forging the reparative continuity between cultural identity and the historical past, the theorist/analyst is also required to recognise the qualitative difference between two types of amnesia. The mind, as both Freud and Lacan maintain, engages in either the better known neurotic ‘repression’—Verdrängung—of memory; or, and more devastatingly in its psychotic ‘repudiation’—Verwerfung (see Bowie 1991, pp. 107–9).

If you are stuck teaching Eng Lit even the very boring life of a psychoanalyst seems preferable. Also, those guys get paid a lot- right? Look at Frazier Crane and his brother Nils.  

If the activity of Verdrängung censors and thereby disguises a vast reservoir of painful memories, the deceptions of Verwerfung tend to transform the troublesome past into a hostile delirium.

No they don't. The fact is, to get a sheepskin in a non-STEM subject you have to repress the urge to cry out 'all this is utter nonsense!' But that's not what turns your brain to shit. It is the fact that you studied shit and are now teaching shit and reading shit produced by your shithead colleagues. 'Hostile delirium' is not a bug, it is a feature of the system from which you earn your bread.  

The memories and images expelled through the violence of repudiation enter into what Lacan describes as a reciprocal and ‘symbolic opposition to the subject’ (Lacan 1977, p. 217).

This is certainly true of turds. They are a reciprocal and symbolic opposition to each other till you pull the flush.  

These phantasmic memories thus become simultaneously alien, antagonistic and unfathomable to the suffering self. To a large extent, the colonial aftermath combines the obfuscations of both Verdrängung and Verwerfung.

Because these nutters ascribe such obfuscations to all minds.  

Its unwillingness to remember what Bhabha describes as the painful and humiliating ‘memory of the history of race and racism’ (Bhabha 1994, p. 63)

the Parsis remember this well enough. To their credit they tried to help their co-religionists still stuck in Iran.  

is matched by its terrified repudiation and utopian expulsion of this past.

I can think of no Parsi of whom this is true. Homo must be about the same age as Kobad Gandhi or Jairus Banaji. They carry on the tradition of Dadabhai Naoroji dwelling on evils inflicted on India by the Brits. Yet, it was only thanks to the Brits that they rose up.  

In response, the theoretical re-membering of the colonial condition is called upon to fulfil two corresponding functions. The first, which Bhabha foregrounds as the simpler disinterment of unpalatable memories, seeks to uncover the overwhelming and lasting violence of colonisation.

Violence costs money. The Brits were careful about money. Save in settler colonies, there was little violence and it didn't last long at all.  

The second is ultimately reconciliatory in its attempt to make the hostile and antagonistic past more familiar and therefore more approachable.

It was already not just approachable but hugely enjoyable in the stories of Kipling.  

The fulfilment of this latter project requires that the images expelled by the violence of the postcolonial Verwerfung be reclaimed and owned again.

This too had already been done. We understand that the Brits weren't horrible beasts. Still, like Dr. Tharoor, we may have to pretend otherwise if we serve the Dynasty which replaced the Windsors.  

This is, of course, another way of saying that postcoloniality has to be made to concede its part or complicity in the terrors—and errors—of its own past.

There is no such need. Indians don't go around apologizing for the Black Hole of Calcutta- which, in any case, they assume is a reference to a portion of Mamta's anatomy.  

In Sara Suleri’s words: ‘To tell the history of another

like Gibbon writing of ancient Rome?  

is to be pressed against the limits of one’s own—thus culture learns that terror has a local habitation and a name’ (Suleri 1992, p. 2).

Gibbon understood that Pitt the Elder was probably raping his own sister. Would he also demand that his horse be given a seat in the House of Lords? I suppose so.  

Thus, we might conclude that the forgotten content of postcoloniality effectively reveals the story of an ambivalent and symbiotic relationship between coloniser and colonised.

Gandhi couldn't have been buggered senseless if Winston and he hadn't had a relationship which, I suppose, might be called symbiotic. At a later time, Gandhi was constantly receiving and administering enemas. This is because the sly subaltern, Winston, had fucked off back to Blighty.  

Accordingly, the reparative proddings of

Gandhi's rectum? 

postcolonial theory/analysis are most successful when they are able to illuminate the contiguities and intimacies which underscore the stark violence and counter-violence of the colonial condition.

Winston whispered sweet nothings in Gandhi's ear. Sadly, he refused to perform a reach-around. That's why Gandhi became a seditionist.  

Albert Memmi has argued that the lingering residue of colonisation will only decompose if, and when, we are willing to acknowledge the reciprocal behaviour of the two colonial partners.

When Memmi was young, Christians were the biggest threat to Jews. Muslims had often been their protectors. That would change.  

The colonial condition, he writes, ‘chained the coloniser and the colonised into an implacable dependence, moulded their respective characters and dictated their conduct’ (Memmi 1968, p. 45).

Memmi had witnessed the Nazi occupation of France. But it didn't 'mould' shit.  

Memmi’s predication of this perverse mutuality between oppressor and oppressed is really an attempt to understand the puzzling circulation of desire around the traumatic scene of oppression.

i.e. at what point did Gandhi start enjoying Winston's attentions?  

The desire of the coloniser for the colony is transparent enough,

Not really. Save in settler colonies, the coloniser wanted money. Most didn't want to die of dysentery in a shithole. Moreover, few wanted to rape the inhabitants. British rule in India has left little in the way of a genetic footprint. 

but how much more difficult it is to account for the inverse longing of the colonised.

Tell lies. That isn't difficult at all. Say 'Gandhi began to long for Winston's dick up his bum-hole. That's why he attended the Second Round Table Conference'.  

How, as Memmi queries, ‘could the colonised deny himself so cruelly

why didn't Gandhi demand to be sodomized by Winston in return for accepting the Cripps Plan? How could he deny himself so cruelly?  

. . . How could he hate the colonisers and yet admire them so passionately?’ (1968, p. 45)

This is easily done. You hate the guy who whupped your sorry ass. You passionately admire his strength and valour. This is Girardian 'mimetic desire'. Sadly, the 'pharmakos' scapegoat is likely to be the Jew or some other religious minority.  Peter Navarro, Trump's trade advisor,  is now blaming Hindu Brahmins (like Vivek Ramaswamy?) for Ukraine's suffering. 

This situation of hate and desire described by Memmi poses a problem for ‘oppositional’ postcolonial theory,

Nonsense! Just point out that the fellow is a Jew and no more will be said about the matter even if what he had said was sensible.  

which scavenges the colonial past for what Benita Parry describes as an ‘implacable enmity between native and invader’ (Parry 1987, p. 32).

Like pretending that the Nehru dynasty had been fighting the Brits when they served John Company as vakils. The Mahatma, too, started off as a loyalist who tried to recruit soldiers for the Great War.  

The aim of this combative project is to promote, in Parry’s words, ‘the construction of a politically conscious, unified revolutionary Self, standing in unmitigated opposition to the oppressor’ (p. 30).

Nothing wrong in that. It's like saying 'nice to see you' when it isn't really nice at all.  

In fact, the colonial archive mitigates these simple dichotomies through its disclosure of the complicating logic and reciprocity of desire.

Sadly, colonial archives aren't about desires. They are about stuff that happened and how much it cost.  

It shows that the colonised’s predicament is, at least partly, shaped and troubled by the compulsion to return a voyeuristic gaze upon Europe.

Is Macron sodomizing Starmer? No? Fuck voyeurism then.  

How should we as theorists respond to this gaze?

If a voyeuristic gaze is being turned on Europe you might phone Starmer and ask him nicely to let Macron mount him in some public place.  

How does it fit into the theoretical economy of combat and enmity?

If your PhD is in Eng Lit, nobody gives a fuck about your 'theoretical economy'. You are useless.  Also if you aren't a Psychiatrist, you have no business talking of schizophrenia. 

There is a savage account of such postcolonial schizophrenia in Vikram Seth's novel, A Suitable Boy (1.993). The impossibly home-grown, or desi, shoemaker hero, Haresh,

who has an English diploma. He isn't home-grown. Also he attended St. Stephen's College which was considered more Anglicized than the equally good Hindu College, Leela attended.  

is attempting to impress his suitability upon the heroine's obnoxious Anglophile brother;

he works for a British company. He is a brown 'box wallah'- i.e. a business executive. Under the Raj, they ranked below Civil Servants and Army officers. 

Arun Mehra, who has just been holding forth about the singular joys of Hamely's toy shop. Mehra claims to know the exact location of Hamley's, 'on Regent Street, not far from Jaeger's'. And yet, when Haresh of the brown-and-white co-respondent shoes-politely inquires when the Mehras were last in the imperial capital, we discover that they have never been to London.

This is a mistake on Vikram's part. British companies sent junior staff for a spot of training (i.e. cheap labour)  in London. That's why Satyajit Ray was able to spend time in London watching a lot of films.  

There is an awful pause, long enough for our readerly sympathies to attach themselves firmly on the side of the shoemaker, before Arun splutters, .but of course we're going in a few months time'.

That may have been Leela's reaction. It wasn't mine. The fact is, because of the War and foreign exchange restrictions, there were a lot of people who hadn't yet been to London for the 'home leave' granted them under their contract of employment. Having studied the geography of its streets showed you were a careful planner. You mention when your office can spare you for your holiday and show you are determined to make the most of your opportunity. Indians like that methodical approach. It suggests professional competence. Moreover, one perk given to many box-wallahs was to have their kid's school fees in England paid by the company. Thus what Arun should have mentioned was that while in England they would be looking at suitable schools for their kids. Indians still respect the British education system. The moment you mention your plans for your children, Indians feel you are a good person.  No harm in saying 'I don't want my boy to go to Winchester and thus turning into a boring math maven. I want him to go to Harrow. That way he will find plenty of school chums if he is ever sent to jail for embezzlement. Of course, if the fellow is destined for the lunatic asylum, Eton is the only place for him.' 

Seth's harsh satire on the Arun Mehras exploits the stigma of unauthenticity which haunts the 'Orient's' longing for its conquering other.

No it doesn't. We get that Mehra works for a British Company. If his employer was Marwari, he would be chewing paan and quoting Tulsi Das.   

And yet, there is a pathos even in the Mehras' excessive Anglophilia.

Nope. Arun's father died before he could scale the heights of the Railway Service. (I think this was the 'compassionate' reason Vikram's mother was given a clerical job by the Railways). Arun had become the man of the house. He had fallen on his feet. From the Bengali point of view, he had married very well. Thus he could provide for his younger brother. Since the chap cracks the IAS we know the elder brother will soon have to be very obsequious to that drunken fool.  

Homi Bhaba might say

he might indeed say stupid shit because he genuinely was and is as stupid as shit. Studying and then teaching Eng Lit can do that to you more particularly if you come to hate the subject 

that they are ideologically interpellated

neither has any fucking ideology. One guy is in the shoe business. The other works for a Managing Agency. Currently, Arun has seniority. But, very soon, the box-wallah will have to crawl to the IAS man. The reason Indians don't like Arun is that it is his duty as the senior male of the family to be very polite and humble to any prospective brother-in-law.  To omit this courtesy is irreligious. It is hubris. It may draw disaster down on the family. What if the sister elopes with a Muslim? Only Mahatma Gandhi could perform the miracle of dissolving such marriages and arranging a 'suitable' boy. Sadly, Gandhi had been shot. 

by the restrictive confinement of knowledge and value to the sovereign map of Europe.

Maps are not sovereign. The point about some Western European nations is that they managed to extract a lot of knowledge and value from Asia and Africa and America.  

The Europe they know and value so intimately is always elsewhere.

Not always. Haresh has been there. Arun will go there. Neither knows or values it very greatly. That's why they aren't quoting European poetry to each other.  

Its reality is infinitely deferred, always withheld from them.

Nonsense! It was no more withheld from them than it was withheld from Nehru- the last Englishman to rule India.  

Worse still, their questing pursuit of European plenitude, their desire to own the coloniser's world,

Haresh was bitterly disappointed when he wasn't allowed to buy Buckingham Palace. He was offered Belgium for the same price but he told the Queen Gor-bless-'er to stick it where the sun don't shine.  

requires a simultaneous disowning of the world which has been colonised.

Why? The Brits didn't disown even Lancashire when they colonised a goodly chunk of the Earth's habitable territory.  

Arun Mehra can only sustain his apprentice brown-sahibship by speaking in the language of his conquerors.

India was independent. There were no fucking conquerors. Mehra spoke English because he had been educated in the English medium- as had Haresh.  

A hard day in the office produces the following ruminations: 'The British knew how to run things . they worked hard and they played hard. They believed in command and so did he.... what was wrong with this country was a lack of initiative. All the Indians wanted was a safe job. Bloody pen pushers, the whole lot of them' (Seth 1993, p. 422).

This is funny because by the end of the novel we know Arun will  have to bow and scrape to pen-pushers in Delhi. It is his younger brother who will 'command'.  

And so Arun Mehra loses the respect of his author and his readers

because some Parsi dude is ploughing his wife

A more sympathetic gloss on the Mehras might suggest that

they need to socialize with Brits and upper class, Anglicized, Bengalis so that hubby gets promoted. If the dude works for a Marwari concern, wifey would be singing bhajans with the Sethni.  

their postcolonial investment in Europe

they have none. Like Brits back then, Arun believes 'wogs begin at Calais'.  

is also accompanied by a progressive, and ultimately crippling, loss of 'home'..

Nonsense! The wife is Bengali and is living near her parents in Calcutta. There are plenty of Khattris in the city. Nobody feels crippled by lack of masala dosa or chole bhatura or whatever. Calcutta caters well for its large migrant population.  

_ In an early poem called 'Diwali', Seth offers a literary preamble to the Mehras

the family as a whole- maybe. But not Mr and Mrs Arun Mehra. The wife is Bengali. Kali Puja, not Diwali, will be celebrated. 

through a considerably more sympathetic self-portrait (Seth 1994). This poem too considers the deleterious effects of a colonial education-

Seth was educated in independent India and then a Britain still independent of Brussels.  

but with a greater sense of the irresistible literary and cultural temptations of Europe.

Fuck that. It is the Indian climate which is unbearable.  

Its ambivalent apotheosis to 'Englishness' enacts

nothing. There can't be an apotheosis to anything. There can only be the apotheosis of something.  

what Áshis Nandy has eloquently described as the 'intimate enomiťy' of the colonial condition (Nandy, 1983).

i.e. Winston sodomizing Mahatma Gandhi 

Seth's poem is spoken from a

place of nostalgia. It is universal because almost every family- save for the very aristocratic or the veritable scum of the earth- has seen great changes over the last few generations. 

cultural crossing where the privileges and passions attached to the magic of 'English' literature are constantly undone and unworked by an underlying sense of cultural transgression.

Nonsense! English literature supplanted Persian literature. What continued was caste based endogamy. That's where 'transgression' came in. Could Mummy find Vikram a 'suitable boy'? Not as the law then stood. 

This is the poem-

Diwali by Vikram Seth. 

Three years of neurotic
Guy Fawkes Days– I recall

I should explain for the benefit of my younger readers in London that there used to be bonfires and fireworks on Guy Fawkes nights. Sadly, the American Halloween 'trick or treat' tradition has replaced it. 

That lonely hankering–
But I am home after all.

So quit whining. 

Home. These walls, this sky
Splintered with wakes of light,
These mud-lamps beaded round
The eaves, this festive night.


These streets, these voices… yet
The old insensate dread,
Abeyant as that love,
Once more shifts in my head.

I sympathize. Fireworks scare me. Mummy once made me hold a sparkler. I cried and cried. Daddy came to the rescue. Sadly, he too wanted me to move out and get a fucking job you lazy cunt. 

Five? six? generations ago
Somewhere in the Punjab
My father’s family, farmers,
Perhaps had a small shop
They may have owned some agricultural land. But they were likely traders by profession unless they gained employment in the Revenue office. Some did very well and became rich in that line of work.  

And two generations later
Could send a son to school
Khattri boys were educated. They could read Persian and write in the 'shikast' script. They might also know Hindu book-keeping techniques. Some wives were literate and could read 'Bhakti' scriptures in the vernacular. 
To gain the conqueror’s
Authoritarian seal:
No such seal was available to Indians save to those born into Princely lineages or those knighted for services to the Crown. But there were plenty of Britishers in India who were stuck in clerical work of an ill renumerated kind. 

English! Six-armed god,
Key to a job, to power,
 Nonsense! By the Thirties, there was a big problem of 'educated unemployment'. The K.L Saigal song 'fashion pe marne vale ab faqon mar rahe hain'- the boy who dressed in suit and tie, thinking his degree would get him a good job, is now starving in the gutter. Even if he did manage to get a clerical job thanks to the 'pull' of a Politician from a ruling Party in one of the autonomous Provinces, he would have no power.
Snobbery, the good life,
it must be said, you don't see many Doon School boys starving to death. 
This separateness, this fear.

Is unworthy of a bloke who went to Doon. 

English: beloved language
Of Johnson, Wordsworth’s tongue–
These my ‘meridian names’
Whose grooves I crawl along.


You may try to crawl along those lines. But you have to have something to say. Banging on about your Kaka and your Mama and Too Too & Soo Soo simply isn't enough. 

The Moghuls fought and ruled
Babur was expelled from Ferghana. 
And settled. Even while
They hungered for musk-melon,
Rose, peach, nightingale,
all of which are plentiful in India. 

The land assumed their love.
It really didn't. That's why Aurangazeb Marg has been renamed Abdul Kalam Road. 
At sixty they could not
Retire westwards.
In 1947, plenty of their descendants were chased westward. 
 The British
Made us the Orient.
Nope. They used to call us niggers. Orientals were fairer skinned and lived in Turkey or the MENA. But once the Chinese were subsumed under this rubric, Indians were upgraded. It is said that Indians in England took the term 'wog' as a compliment. They thought it meant 'Westernized Oriental Gentleman'. It doesn't. Wog is short for 'gollywog'. 

How could an Englishman say
About the divan-e-khas,
‘If there is heaven on earth
It is this; it is this; it is this.’

He could say it if he believed his King or Queen was 'God's shadow on Earth'. The reason pious people went to get to Heaven is because that is where God holds court. Being near God is the highest bliss. The couplet is attributed to Amir Khusrau in which case it refers to the shrine of the Sufi spiritual preceptor. 

Macaulay the prophet of learning
He merely pointed out that Indians like Ram Mohan Roy and Dwarkanath wanted John Company to stop wasting money subsidising Arabic or Sanskrit learning. What people wanted was English education and then jobs in the administration so they could grow as rich as Roy or Tagore. 
Chewed at his pen: one taste
Of Western wisdom ‘surpasses
All the books of the East,’

Roy said it first. He went further. As a disciple of Bentham he wanted all non-STEM education banned even though he himself had only risen thanks to his mastery of Sanskrit, Arabic, Persian etc. 

And Kalidas, Shankaracharya,
Panini, Bhaskar, Kabir,
Surdas sank, and we welcomed
The reign of Shakespeare,

Sadly, this wasn't the case. The Brits encouraged vernacular languages. Prior to Indian independence, Indians had to learn one indigenous Classical and one vernacular language in High School. It was only after Independence that you could become an Indian diplomat without being able to read or write any Indian language. Rajiv Gandhi's Hindi speeches were written out in Roman script. He too went to Doon. 

The undigested Hobbes,
The Mill who later ground
both Mills worked for John Company
(Through talk of liberty)
The Raj out of the land…
He did no such thing. Macaulay's 'essay on Milton' does say it is better to have bad self-rule than good foreign-rule. The Mills, as Utilitarians, did not hold this view. 

O happy breed of Babus,
I march on with your purpose;
No you don't, unless you get a Government job. 
We will have railways, common law
And a good postal service–
Provided you tip the Postman anytime you get a money-order. 

And as I twist along
Those grooves from image to image,
Violet, elm-tree, swan,
Pork-pie, gable, scrimmage


And as we title our memoirs
‘Roses in December’
Vera Lynn made that song very popular in the Thirties. 
Though we well know that here
Roses grow in December
The grow all year round. The meaning of 'roses in December' is loyalty in love even under the most adverse circumstances. 

And as we import songs
Composed in the U.S.
For Vietnam (not even
Our local horrors grip us)


We don't do this. Maybe Dosco boys did so when Vikram was young. We did however import Pakistani qawwalis and ghazals in the Seventies.

And as, over gin at the Club,
I note that egregious member
Strut just perceptibly more
When with a foreigner,

He would strut all the more if with a political big-wig. 
I know that the whole world
Means exile for our breed
Who are not at home at home
And are abroad abroad,
Move to Southall, mate. Punjabis are thoroughly at home there. 

Huddled in towns, while around:
‘He died last week. My boys
Are starving. Daily we dig
The ground for sweet potatoes.’

It takes two very poor people to give birth to a child who is bound to be very fucking poor. Such has it always been. England was perfectly content to let White Irishmen starve to death in the 1840s. 

‘The landlord’s hirelings broke
My husband’s ribs– and I
Grow blind in the smoke of the hearth.’
‘Who will take care of me
Religion. Try to get into a Dharamshala. 
When I am old? No-one
Is left.’ So it goes on,
The cyclic shadow-play
Under the sinister sun;

Because guys like Vikram who studied Econ prefer to gas on in a sentimental vein. Productivity is the other side of the coin of Utilitarianism. Sadly, the Brahmos never grasped this. The preferred Sen-tentious Sen-timentality. Sikh economists- Minhas, Manmohan, Montek- were a different kettle of fish. 
That sun that, were there water,
Could bless the dispirited land,
Coaxing three crops a year
From this same yieldless ground.

It could also produce solar power. 

Yet would these parched wraiths still
Starve in their ruins, 
Yes unless, like Prakash Singh Kairon, the CM didn't just get a useless diploma in America. He actually spent a lot of time working on different farms. In 1950, East Punjab was food deficit. By the time Kairon was killed, it was the granary of India. 

while
‘Silkworms around them grow
Into fat cocoons’? Sad soil,

Why sad? Sericulture is highly profitable. 

This may as well be my home.
Because no other nation
Moves me thus? What of that?
Cause for congratulation?


No. This is a shit poem. You'd better get the fuck out of India before your style deteriorates any further.

This may as well be my home;
I am too used to the flavor
Of tenuous fixity;
or tenebrous light, or heavy lightness or dwarfish height
I have been brought to savour

Its phases: the winter wheat–
only available in wheat growing areas. 
The flowers of Har-ki-Doon–
The sal forests– the hills
Inflamed with rhododendron–

Generally speaking this can only be done during your Hill Station holidays. 

The first smell of the Rain
On the baked earth– the peaks
Snow-drowned in permanence–
The single mountain lakes.

A string of cliches. What's next? Mention of crowded bazaars? 

What if my tongue is warped?
I need no words to gaze
At Ajanta, those flaked caves,
Or at the tomb of Mumtaz;
Whereas he needs words to gaze at the Albert memorial. Otherwise, he could be arrested by British Polis. 

And, when an alap of Marwa
Swims on slow flute-notes over
The neighbours’ roofs at sunset,
Wordlessly like a lover

Vikram's lover is a cat burglar. Also he doesn't waste time talking. 

It holds me– till the strain
Of exile, here, or there,
Subverts the trance, the fear
Of fear found everywhere.
Cat-burglar stops holding Vikram. Sad. 

‘But freedom?’ the notes would sing…
Parole is enough. Tonight
Below the fire-crossed sky
Of the Festival of Light

Drink some daru. Get tight. 

Give your soul leave to feel
What distilled peace it can;
In lieu of joy, at least
This lapsing anodyne.



‘The world is a bridge. Pass over it,
Building no house upon it.’

Hasan of Basra attributed this saying to Jesus. He also proposed marriage to Rabia. She told him to sling his hook. Sad. 
Acceptance may come with time;
Rest, then, disquieted heart.

or find some reason to better your rhyme. I should explain, Indians have a low opinion of poetry in English more particularly if written by Indians. If you really have something to say, you can express it in your mother tongue and if it is good, you can make money or gain influence by it. An elderly Punjabi gentleman asked if it was true I had just brought out a book of English verse. I said yes and quoted the following couplet in Urdu 'Sikhaya Mashahir-e-Azadi ko Maikhana-e-Angrez/ Saqigari mush'tahar ho par kajdar-o-marez' which I translated as 'Of Liberation, our leaders learnt, at the English wine-shop/ to most nobly tilt the bottle but let fall not a drop.'  He liked 'kajdar-o-marez' which I had found in Iqbal. He criticized the rest but understood that I hadn't studied Urdu and was a Madrasi peasant. Still, there was some rhyme and reason to my verse. I was a poet- albeit in the Zatalli mode- not a guy shedding crocodile tears for the suffering of the widow and the orphan.
Traversing the genealogy of a Puniabi family from rural

idiocy- as Marx says 

self-sufficiency

they weren't self-sufficient. They were traders who had to pay tax for protection.  

to colonised civility 'Diwali' chronicles the effort it takes for six generations of Punjabi peasants to finally gain 'the conqueror's authoritarian seal', by sending 'a son to school' (Serh 1,994 [1981], p. 64).

He says it was two generations. But plenty of successful Seths had no formal education. I suppose the family wanted a son in the Civil Service because it raised the family's status and might afford them some influence with the authorities.  

Suddenly, family history is rewritten as a faltering generational progress into coloniality.

into learned professions or Government service of some type. But this would also be true of plenty of English or French or Irish people. Indeed, the Irish Catholic had a lot more to complain of.  

The crisis turns on the paradox that what is eminently desirable through Englishnsss-'a iob . . . power'

was better and more rewardingly achieved by going to jail during the Independence 'struggle'.  

is also, and at the same time, rendered utterly undesirable, once again, through the taint of 'snobbery, the good life' (1,994 [1981], p. 65)

The Revenue Minister's sons have no use for snobbery. They will get the good life even if they shoot their former lover because they believe he is fucking their mistress. Since the fellow happens to be Muslim, it follows that the only person he really wants to fuck is his half-sister who is the daughter of the mistress. Still, if Daddy is a Minister, sonny boy will be acquitted. Killing Muslims was one sure way to rise in Bihari politics of the period. Throw in a Dalit or two and you'd be in clover. 

Likewise, and perhaps more painfully, the etymology of the language that is loved so intimately by the poet belongs elsewhere and at a distance,

Nonsense! India was well provided with etymological dictionaries.  

to another-sometimes hostile and abusive-'tongue'. This younger Seth ponders the impossibility of crawling, willingly, beside the 'meridian names' of the English poets Jonson, .Wordsworth', in the face of. Macaulay's prophesy: 'one taste / Of 'Western wisdom "surpasses / All the books of the East"'

I suppose this is an early work. I believe Donald Davies at Stanford helped Vikram improve his style. The problem is that his bigotry keeps getting in his way.  

Herein lies the faultline of what Seth describes as the 'separateness' and 'fear' [1981], p. 65) attached to the self-conscious acquisition of English.

He was sent to English medium schools. There was nothing self-conscious about it. Chinese he acquired self-consciously. Sadly, he didn't become a billionaire by using his knowledge of Chinese, Hindi and Economics.  

To speak in the desired way is, from now on, to also learn how to speak against oneself.

To pretend to do so as though one really were a wealthy Seth who could personally lift up thousands of very poor people. 

It is to concede, as Seth does toward the end of this poem, that his 'tongue is warped' (1,994 [1981], p. 68).

He doesn't say that. He says his heart is disquieted. Some fear grips him. Does it have something to do with a dumb cat burglar? Perhaps. 

In his book 'The intimate Enemy, Ashis Nandy

whose family converted to Christianity and did things useful to the Nation- e.g. work for the YMCA

adapts Foucault's analysis of power to "account for the particularly deleterious consequences of the Colonial Encounter'.

i.e. the existence of the Bengali bhadralok. Sadly, there was no actual intimacy between Indian Christians and Europeans. The prayed together. They slept apart.  

 Nandy's book builds on an interesting, if somewhat contentious, distinction between two chronologically distinct types or genres of colonialism.

In India there was only one type. Territorial expansion and the attempt to make conquered territory cheaper to administer and to garrison. From the 1880's onwards there was a divergence of views as to whether this meant the aim was to make India fully self-governing and self-administering. By about 1909, this view prevailed and was put into action after the Great War.  

The first, he argues, was relatively simple-minded in its focus on the physical conquest of territory-

General Slim had to reconquer Burma, Malaysia etc. But the game wasn't worth the candle.  

whereas the second was more insidious in its commitment to the conquest and occupation of minds, selves, cultures.

It didn't exist. Christian missionaries wanted to spread their religion. That's why they became great champions of vernacular languages. Nandy is pretending his family was very intimate with Britishers who, all appearances to the contrary, turned their souls and minds white- even if their skin colour remained the same.  

If the first bandit-mode of colonialialism was more violent,

Wavell used plenty of violence to put down the Quit India disturbances. But, that's also why he wanted the Brits to get the fuck out of the beastly place.  

it was also, as Nandy insists, transparent in its self-interest, greed and rapacity.

Indian politicians and their families show none of these traits- right?  On the other hand it is true that there was no notion of hierarchy in India before Europeans got there. There were no castes or religions or distinct genders. It was the British Census which forced Indians to choose between having a dick or a vagina. Previously you could have both.  I suppose if you have to teach Jane Austen and can't pee standing up, you too may hope for a 'Postcolonial Theory' which erases the hierarchical distinction between STEM subjects and useless shite. Also, for peeing purposes, penises would be readily available to the fair sex. Meanwhile, the least a Professor of Eng Lit can do is to hold the hand of nations populated by darkies so they can acknowledge previously repressed memories of all their ancestors being sodomized by evil Viceroys.